5: PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST (2006)
Jack Sparrow does something in a film thats now all about Jack Sparrow and everyone else is just a bit player reduced to funny one liners in a film series that should have left this film out and just fit it in to thirty minutes at the start of the third one. Now breathe. This was just two and a half hours of set up for the next film. It was useless and made me wait until the third one came out on dvd before watching it. I am rather looking forward to the new ones, just as long as they don't make the same mistake they made here. Cunts.
4: BE COOL (2005)
You have to worry when you have a film that features such an amazing wealth of talent, and at the end all you can find to say is that the Rock was good in it. That's all I've got. The sequel to one of the best Elmore Leonard adaptations was horrible. Like being forced to eat a milkshake of puke and feces.
Even just watching John Travolta and Uma Thurman redo the dance from Pulp Fiction made me throw up a little in my mouth. It's like when they were making it they all thought it was going to be awesome and spent the whole film trying to look good in it instead of making a good bloody film.
3: INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (2008)
This film left my childhood destroyed. As if Shia LaBouf hadn't done enough by destroying the Transformers for a whole generation he wanted to fuck up this too. But it would be wrong of me to blame him for this. It really has nothing to do with him. It was all about the poorly written script and the fact that Harrison Ford looked like he couldn't be bothered throughout the film.
The script was allegedly thrown out by Ford years before because he didn't think it was good enough. It really wasn't. George Lucas hasn't been anywhere near a good film in twenty years. Try to find one, you won't.
2: THE MATRIX RELOADED and REVOLUTIONS (2003)
What the hell happened there. One minute The Matrix was one of the best films in years and then within the space of a year it was one of the worst franchises ever. Why did everything turn green? Why did the end seem like a long episode of Dragonball Z? Just why? This should have been awesome, they had built up an amazing world that they could have done so much with. No one could have expected this.
The films basically go, plot, big action sequence, little bit more plot that's trying really hard to be intelligent but is just contradicting itself, big action sequence, even more convoluted plot that you're starting to realise isn't actually going anywhere then another big action sequence. Then end. This film tried to hard to be the new star wars for adults. In the end the sequels ruined the first one for me.
1: AUSTIN POWERS in GOLDMEMBER (2002)
The Austin Powers films are fucking awful. I liked the first one, but I didn't like the second one which spent most of the time repeating jokes from the first one. Then this one just used jokes from the first one, adding all the jokes that weren't funny in the second film. Then it threw in some new characters that weren't funny, but had a catchphrase you could put on a t-shirt or poster to sell merchandise because for some reason people loved these films and the stupid catchphrases.
They were shit, they weren't funny, the only funny thing about them was Seth Green and the odd joke that they would slowly beat you to death with by constantly repeating it. Thank fuck they never got round to making a fourth one. I don't think I could take everyone saying "yeah baby" again.
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