Saturday, 18 December 2010

Top ten Christmas films

So this week I'm doing something a little different cause it's all like Christmas and that. This is a list of my top ten Christmas films, you may have realised this from the title of the blog, if you didn't then as usual move along you fucking moron.

So MY top ten Christmas films will no doubt be different than yours. There is no Miracle on 34th Street, Santa Claus the movie or It's a Wonderful Life. This is because I work with a man who has cerebral palsy and I have to watch Christmas films all year round. This has destroyed the above films for me. If I'd made this list a few years ago they'd all have been on it but ultimately now i wince everytime they come on like some horrific flashback to Christmas past.



One time, my parents moved the spider plant thing with jaggy leaves just behind the door of the living room to make space for the presents. They moved the leaves to my eye height and I bloody ran into the thing in my excitement so spent all Christmas morning looking at gifts through a watery eye dammit. Or the Christmas I spent all day building my Lego Medieval Castle only to have my dad drunkenly knock it over that night and destroy it. We all have those memories and they hit me everytime a bloody bell rings.

10: TRAPPED IN PARADISE


1994
Director
George Gallo

Starring
Nicolas Cage
Jon Lovitz
Dana Carvey
M├Ądchen Amick

Nicholas Cage is kind of like Christmas, you always expect something good but more often than not are left slightly dissapointed by the whole thing. This film however is awesome. He plays the older brother of bumbling criminals Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz. After unwittingly aiding them rob a bank on Christmas eve in Paradise, Pennsylvania. They get stuck there, have the locals take them in and help them out with gifts and other such Christmassy things.

It's the classic bad guys with a good heart, it'd could easily have turned into a crappy TV film but the performances are awesome and it's filled with funny moments. Kinda makes me wonder what the hell happened to Dana Carvey cause he was a funny little fucker.

9: JUST FRIENDS

2005
Director
Roger Kumble

Starring
Ryan Reynolds
Amy Smart
Anna Faris
Chris Klein

I am a huge fan of Ryan Reynolds, the mans just a funny bastard. In the opening scene of this film he's in a fat suit singing the All-4-one song I swear, I nearly shat myself laughing. I wish this was an over exaggeration but I literally nearly shat myself I laughed so hard. The rest of the film is just as funny.

Reynolds plays a guy who used to be a fat kid who was firmly in the friend zone with Amy Smart in high school. He unwittingly has to return home ten years after leaving over Christmas, now a well built succesful record producer in LA, and tries to get it on with Amy Smart. Unfortunately he has a prima donna dumb ass singer Anna Faris along for the ride and he has competition from Chris Klein who is also a once geek but now "super nice guy".

Filled with comedy gold.

8: HOSTILE HOSTAGES AKA THE REF

1994
Director
Ted Demme

Starring
Denis Leary
Judy Davis
Kevin Spacey

As you may have noticed this top ten is filled with comedy films. So when you have a film with Dennis Leary set during Christmas you're gonna have the fucker in your top ten surely. Now I am fully aware he stole a rather large amount of his stand up from Bill Hicks but in films the guys a funny bastard.

Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis are a married couple going through a bad patch who get taken hostage by jewel thief Dennis Leary on Christmas eve. Unfortunately for him it turns out their whole family is about to arrive for a Christmas meal and they're all mental. It's another bad guy with a good heart movie filled with comedy hijinks. I do love em.

7: Home Alone


1990
Director
Chris Columbus

Starring
Macaulay Culkin
Joe Pesci
Daniel Stern

I went to see this film in Livingston cinema in 1990, I was 12. I laughed like a bastard. When I watch it now I still laugh like a bastard. When I went to Canada I spent a large amount of the journey shouting KEVIN (my friend Alex thought he'd forgotten something), apparently the other people on the flight didn't find it quite as funny as I did, I didn't care.

You all know the story, a family are going on holiday for Christmas and accidentaly leave Macaulay Culkin at home. The wet bandits are around the neighbourhood and they want the riches in Macauley Culkins house. It's Tom and Jerry with an annoying kid, and I love Tom and Jerry. I'm still amused by Joe Pesci's constant mumbling swear words. John Hughes my man, you were a genius.

6: The Nightmare Before Christmas


1993
Director

Starring

Most people who have spent any time with me at all will be shocked this isn't in the top five. I love this film, it was back when Tim Burton was involved with good films, anyone else rember that. I know it's hard to imagine now as he's almost like Nicholas Cage with the hits and misses but back in the 90's, he had the midas touch.

Jack Skellington is the king of Halloween Town, but he's become restless and is searching for something more. After a long walk he appears in Christmas Town and quite frankly one of the greatest musical numbers in any film. So he decides this year the folks from Halloween town are going to do Christmas. It's amazing, you've all seen it so you know it's amazing.

5: BAD SANTA

2003
Director
Starring

This was John Ritters last film role. For this alone the film should be in anyones top five. Add to that the hot Gilmor girl, and Billy Bob Thornton, and you have yourself a masterpiece. Billy Bob Thornton plays a total bastard who robs shops on Christmas eve having been the instore Santa for the holiday season with the aid of his little friend. No, not his penis a little midget guy. He befriends a dumb kid, takes over his house and has a lot of sex with Lauren Graham. She's the hot one from the Gilmore Girls, I may have mentioned this earlier.

It being a Christmas film you would imagine it to just join the dots towards the end of the movie. It kind of does but at the same time manages to do it in a way that doesn't turn it into an unbearable schmaltzy Santa's got a grumpy face kind of movie that has you throwing up egg nog (what the fuck is that stuff anyway?) and fish shaped cheese biscuit doodas all over the living room floor while your family reel back in horror as their precious memories are stolen from them. Fuck you precious memories.

4: ELF


2003
Director

Starring

Will Ferrell makes great films. Jon Favreau makes great films. James Caan makes great films. Hell even Zooey Deschanel makes great films, I don't count the happening in this though as  I've drunk enough booze to forget what it's about. I mean I lost some memories that I'm sure will come back and bite me on the ass at some point but as long as I forget that piece of shit, I'm a happy man.  

You get a film with the four of them working together and you get gold, Christmas gold. I recently watched this film again and I laughed just as hard as I did the first time I saw it. I base this solely on the looks of the people watching the film with me as my laugh almost deafens them. 

Will Ferrel is a human child who is brought up by elves. He goes to New York to find his real dad who's on the naughty list, falls in love and makes everyone around him fall in love with him. Classic fucking Christmas.

3: NATIONAL LAMPOONS CHRISTMAS VACATION


1989
Director

Starring

Some people say Chevy Chase was only funny in the 80s. These people are morons. I have never watched a Chevy Chase film that hasn't made me snort, or deafen the person next to me. The man is a legend and Clark Griswold is one of his funniest creations. He's helped in this one with an awesome cast, Beverly D'Angelo returns as Ellen but this time he has Juliette Lewis and Johnny Galecki from the Big Bang Theory as Rudy. Out of all the Vacation films this one has by far the best ensemble cast as the family. You usually get at least one of the kids totally out of their depth. Oh and Randy Travis is actually funny in this film, how often does that happen ?

Anyway Clark invites the whole brood over for the perfect family Christmas. It being a Griswold family Christmas it's never going to go too well, cue the chaos. I can watch this film any time of the year, still to this day it is one of the funniest films around. i just wish they hadn't made so many rubbish vacation films after this one. Stop being a dick National Lampoons, if it doesn't have Clark and Ellen it's not a bloody Vacation movie.

2: SCROOGED


1988
Director

Starring

Holy horse shit Batman Scrooged only made number two. Yes this could have easily been number one. It has it all. The classic story of Scrooge in it's best ever adaptation. Yeah I said best, the muppet one is a close second but ultimately I only wanted one version of A Christmas Carol in here and it was always gonna be Scrooged. 

Bill Murray made so many awesome comedy films and if I was to do a top five just on him this would always be in it. Even if it's just for the end when he breaks the fourth wall. I went to see this in the cinema and it blew me away, the audience started singing and everything. Just awesome, if I'm ever feeling down I put this film on anytime of the year and it puts a big ass smile on my face. Love it.

1: DIE HARD


1988
Director
John McTiernan


Starring

This is the only film that could ever beat Scrooged to the number one slot. Mainly as it'd blow the fucker up if I tried to put it any lower. Most people don't think this is a Christmas film, these people are morons. It's Christmas with machine guns and explosions. What more could a guy want, there's even time for a boob shot.

John McClane travels to meet up with his family over Christmas, meeting her at her office Christmas party. Terrorists attempt to seize the building and it's up to him to stop it. Just typing that is making me salivate and want to put the dvd on. I've already watched it twice so far this December and I still have to watch it on Christmas eve. Which I have now done for as long as I can remember. See the memories you lose trying to forget The Happening. I wrap my presents whilst watching this film. Without this film there is no Christmas as far as I'm concerned. 



Hope you enjoyed the list of my favourite Christmas films. If there's a couple you haven't seen before check them out over the holiday period and you won't be disappointed. If you haven't seen Die Hard though just shoot yourself in the fucking head cause unless your 5, you have no fucking excuse.

Stay safe over the holidays, I'll be back in the next couple of weeks with another fantabulous film blog. HAve a good one ;)


2 comments:

  1. Believe it or not, despite the fact that your wife, when she lived here, probably watched The Nightmare Before Christmas so often that she could've got a part in it, I've never actully seen it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. hostile hostages - awesome! that would be in my top ten too

    ReplyDelete