Friday, 31 December 2010

The worst things to happen in film over the last decade


Out of his last 23 films made in the last decade I can only say I've enjoyed 3 of them (haven't seen Bad Lieutenant but it's meant to be good, allegedly). Some of the shit he's made is beyond belief, the remake of The Wicker Man was almost unwatchable and Ghost Rider was one of the biggest piles of shit I've ever had the misfortune to see.

My main problem with him is that he can act, but just can't be fucked anymore. He just makes piles of fecal matter that have his face on the cover of the box with stupid long hair in an action pose. Stop it, get back to making good films, we know you can do it cuntface.


I hate to admit it but I saw the first Twilight film, in the cinema, by myself. I was at work and I had a couple of hours with nothing to do. I went to the cinema, it was the first thing to come on, I didn't know much about it. To be honest I'm never going to complain when I get to see a film for free. It was remarkably okay. Until I watched it at home and realised I'd been duped. Here's me actually telling people the film was worth a watch  when it was actually just some twee nonsense about sparkly vampires.

Maybe that's the point though, maybe that's what bugs me most about these films. They're mediocre but have created a whole subgenre of not only films, but humanity. People are scary about twilight. I'm looking over my shoulder right now waiting to be hit by a rock or team Jacob bag. These films take over lives. That scares me.


I remember watching and loving I'm Gonna Get You Sucka, the film was funny as hell, but something happened somewhere which turned the Wayans brothers into a giant blockbuster beast. a beast of badness that makes really bad films, which aren't funny, but for some reason people still go and watch. Seriously though Little Man took $100 million at the box office, White Chicks took $113 million. What the fuck. Is it just me. Did I miss a meeting ?


There has always been remakes, but in the last decade Hollywoodland realised that they could make a shit load of money for virtually no investment. I remember reading an article which spoke about the huge stacks of cash they made from Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dawn of the Dead remakes (they cost a combined $38 million and made $210 million), which would no doubt lead to more horror remakes. The studio owns the rights to the film already, it has an automatic audience, so there's very little threat to their investment.

This has created a torrent of hideous remakes, Prom Night, My Bloody Valentine, Black Christmas, all of which made a ton of money. Which leads to more remakes, then they start to remake other films like Clash of the Titans. Nothing is sacred now. Soon they'll be remaking Casablanca with Zack Efron as Rick, Kirsten Stewart as Ilsa and set it during spring break in fucking 3D. Which leads me on nicely to...

1: 3D

What the fucking fuck? Seriously though does every film have to come out in 3D? I mean some films work very well, all you have to do is go to see one of them and watch the trailers. Half of them look amazing and the rest just look like it's a waste of time. There is no need for most of the films coming out in 3D to be 3D. Especially the ones that aren't even shot to be in 3D, but they add it in afterwards. It's the equivalent of afterbirth.

They have a film which is mediocre at best but then realise they can make an extra couple of quid per ticket by giving you a pair of glasses when you enter the theater. And they're still doing all the same shit that was stupid years ago, only a few films have tried to do anything new with the format. They do them well, they make loads of cash, then Hollywoodland seem to think it'll work all the time with everything. It doesn't, please, please, please, please fucking stop it now.

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