Howard the Duck

1986
Director
Willard Huyck

Starring
Lea Thompson
Jeffrey Jones
Tim Robbins
Ed Gale

I was watching Mark Kermode yesterday on the BBC news channel doing some reviews and he made comparisons with Howard the Duck and Scott Pilgrim vs the World. Saying that in a few years everyone who hated it will be saying how much they enjoyed it, like Howard the Duck. I didn't realise I wasn't the only person in the world who loved this film. I always have. I'm not just saying that either. I was 8 when this film came out and the combination of animatronics, comic book storyline and 80's music was almost too much for my little 8 year old brain to deal with. I'd spend my days dancing around singing Howard the duck in my head even though those were the only words I knew.

But this was back in 1986, before George Lucas decided all he could do was Star Wars. In the 80's George Lucas produced some awesome films. Indianna Jones, Willow, Labirynth and this. The only good things to even mention him since are Mr. Plinketts reviews of the prequels on red letter media, Fanboys and the family guy/robot chicken star wars spoofs. Damn you George.

But I'm not going to turn this into a rant against George Lucas, that's been done by far better and funnier people than me. I will however be talking about the cinematic masterpiece that is Howard the Duck. Yeah you heard me, CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE.

The film opens in in Duckworld, Howard back from a days work sits down on his chair to read some duck porn. Yeah it exists here, you even get to see it. You have the classic things from our world transferred over to Duckworld. Like the Breeders of the lost ark poster or magazines like Playduck and Rolling Egg. Oh those writers. I feel to mention it that this film is based on a marvel comic book, but other than the name, and the odd nod now and then, it has nothing to do with it. Oh yeah and Howards about to get sucked up into space on his arm chair. He flies past a rather distrubing naked sheduck in the bath. You see her boobs and everything. Can't remember that from when I was 8.

Told you... weird. Anyway he lands in Cleveland and in finds himself in a waking nightmare, surrounded by 80's glam cyber punk types who look to do him harm. They grab him and start running around throwing the little guy at random people. Time for the first awesome 80's song "I can make it, here in hunger city".Things don't go well for Howard and he finally decides to hide in a bin. He comes out to save Beverly Switzler played by Lea Thompson when she is acosted by some punks. There are a lot of 80's glam cyber punks hitting about at the start of this film.You've got to love the 80's.


She takes him home because she's clearly awesome. She was in Red Dawn, Spacecamp and Back to the Future of course she's awesome. GO WOLVERINES! It doesn't really take her long to come to terms with him being a duck, but the film wouldn't be as fun if it did. Oh for any girls who want to watch this film she's currently carrying an awesome plastic red umbrella. She kind of looks like a cross between Cyndi Lauper and Madonna, before she was an old slut.

Here's me wasting my time with old sluts when an awesome films on. So he's in her flat looking at all her stuff which to him is crazy but to us is normal. See the comedy value of this, and you're sitting there doubting me that this is a cinematic masterpiece. She has a duck hand bag, there wasn't a duck hand bag in Avatar. It would have made me enjoy it more, all I'm saying. Blue people with duck bags, maybe in the sequel. You heard it here first, Avatar 2: blue people with duck bags. Awesome.

Turns out Howard is an awesome musician too, which is handy as Beverly is in an awesome band. they should colaborate on something. It happens later on I'm just fucking with you, it's as awesome as you'd expect. All like 80's and shit. She just picked up a little duck condom from his wallet. Kind of gross and not what you'd expect from a film I watched in Primary School. Different times I guess. We watched Gremlins there too and that was a 15. Our Teachers were mental, well it was that or Zig Zag.

She takes him to see Tim Robbins who isn't that evil guy in Arlington Road yet. I'm watching you Tim, I know what you're about to do to the dude you bastard. Anyway he's a scientist, no wait a janitor in a museum. He's a little bit mental, apparently he's been dating one of the girls in her band. He's awesome in this. So awesome I may forgive him for the evil he's about to do to Jeff, but I dunno like. He's always been a great actor and this was one of his first films. He's lucky he got more work after this, apparently there was a fight between two universal production heads trying to figure out who was to blame for greenlighting this film. I hope this is true.

Howard and Beverly fall out and he tries his hand at living in the world. He get's some shitty jobs, including cleaning jizz booths. Again, I watched this in Primary School. PRIMARY SCHOOL. Things don't go well for him and he finally decides to go back to see Beverly as she plays with her awesome band Cherrybomb, hopefully a reference to The Runaways classic.

You've got to love midgets. If it wasn't for midgets we wouldn't have some awesome actor in the suit playing Howard. Or a village in Willow. The only unfortunate thing is that the little guys should get more work. Not just some guy in a suit roles but actual roles in films with dramatic content. Damn Hollywoodland and it's bias against the little guys. Warwick Davis shouldn't need to wait for the new Leprechaun film to find work. He should be out there starring in Fight Club or Die Hard 4. I'd pay to see that.

Damn I'm losing my point again with all this midget talk. So he's back with Beverly now and he kicks their managers ass. Like beats the hell out of him. We need a midget James Bond or something. That would be awesome. Sorry I digress again. See once I start, I can't stop. I love the midgets. I know you're not meant to call them midgets but people aren't meant to call me a giant or physically stop in the street to point at the giant man. Doesn't stop them from doing it though does it?

Oh and their manager is totally the DA guy from Medium. Awesome. Now there's almost some girl on duck action. Lea Thompson is striding around in her pants. Again, WATCHED THIS IN PRIMARY SCHOOL! Anyway the amazing Jeffrey Jones is about to come in to the film. Oh yeah... Beautiful. He seems to have found the shoe he lost chasing Ferris Bueller too. Nice.


So Jeffrey Jones knows how Howard got here and he may have a way to send him back. Good news for the duck and possibly just in time for Lea Thompson, since she was just about to sleep with him. I mean that's going to cause some nightmares right. Waking up in cold sweats screaming Quack. You could never go to the park again. Madness.

The animatronics in Howard are awesome. Apparently they had a lot of trouble getting it right but I'm pleased they did. Without an awesome looking Howard this film would have fallen flat on it's ass. So the films now about to take it's dramatic twist. They attempt to redo the experiment which caused Howard to get here in the first place. Unfortunately they get it horribly wrong and bring back some crazy ass demon alien thing which possesses Jeffrey Jones. Oh yeah!

Sorry but even when Jeffery Jones appears in Sleepy Hollow I'm still singing the Yello song. If you go around chasing Ferris Bueller you deserve it though. The guy's a legend, I hear he has like cancer or something. Anyway the police are now after Howard due to the misfortune at the big science place. Howard and Beverly run off with Jeffrey Jones and quickly start to realise somethings wrong with him. Mainly due to the electricity that's coming out of his eyes.

This turn of events leads to many comical hijinks, including Tim Robbins and Howard on a crazy ultralight plane thing trying to find the big crazy possessed Jeffrey Jones. It eventually gets back to the science place for the big finale and another amazing 80's music number.

So go out and watch Howard the Duck. If you thought it was crap years ago you're wrong. Even Mark Kermode says it's good, and he is one of the only film reviewers I actually listen to nowadays. Well I'm not gonna listen to Paul Ross, he's a cunt. Like an actual vagina wrapped in a man suit. The dvd is available for £3, that's like cheaper than a magazine. Go buy it, if enough of us do maybe George Lucas will realise he doesn't have to keep giving us new editions of Star Wars and is capable of doing other things. Who the hell am I trying to kid, the guys lost it. but in the 80's he was gold.