Friday, 31 December 2010

The worst remakes from the last decade

5: DAY OF THE DEAD (2008)

Anyone who casts the tiny wee Mena Suvari as a hardened military woman is clearly a moron. My 8 year old daughter looks like she could take her in a fight. Add to that Nick fucking Cannon and what's the fucking point. The zombies are ridiculous looking CGI creations that climb up walls in the most ludicrous fashion. I was lulled into a false sense of security by the Dawn of the Dead remake. This had nothing to do with those people, and you can tell. I bought this, it was a waste of money and 90 minutes I can't seem to drink enough to make me forget.

4: THE FOG (2005)

Yet another one of my favourite films getting the remake treatment, but they seem to have replaced the cast with teenagers. Okay the cast looked young but were probably playing people their own age. It just didn't work though, they were far too pretty. It was like Antonio Island was were all the pretty people went when they weren't busy whoring it up at spring break. The only person who worked in this film from the main cast was Selma Blair and that's because she's awesome most of the time. The rest can just fuck off, yeah you heard Superman with your crazy super hearing. FUCK OFF!


There is only one funny moment in this film. The hamburger moment. I have watched this one part of the film countless times and I still wail with laughter every time. Unfortunately it's the only time in the film when Steve Martin reminds us why he used to be funny. The rest is shit. Jason Statham isn't in it long, Jean Reno continues his trend of dodgy American films and the whole thing is wrapped up with Beyonce being a useless cunt. This never had much of a chance though. Even when he was funny Steve Martin wasn't capable of being the new Peter Sellers. Now he was a fucking genius.

2: I AM LEGEND (2007)

Fuck me I was excited when I heard about this. Will Smith is awesome in it too. I have no idea why they decided to make the vampires crazy zombie vampires that can climb up walls and shit though. All the tension from the book and previous films was ruined when you realised that the bad guys could have got to him at any point. And what the fuck was the ending about. I've watched the different endings on the directors cut and the one they chose was by far the worst of the bunch. They turned not only one of the greatest books of all time but two classic films into a pile of shit when they had it all there. This film should have been awesome. They fucked it up.

1: THE WICKER MAN (2006)

As you may have noticed I have fallen out with Nicolas Cage. The original is one of THE classic British horror films of all time. This is one of the biggest piles of shit my eyes have ever had the unpleasant job of watching. There is nothing good about this film, The performances reek like the fish supper I threw into the back of Richards car which he didn't find for 3 weeks. Words alone cannot describe how bad this film is. Choosing between this and a device created by Jigsaw, I would have hard time deciding what would be worse to go through. If you haven't seen it, don't. It's 100 minutes you will never get back.

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