Colin

2008
Director
Marc Price
Starring
Alastair Kirton
Daisy Aitkens

With the recent demise of the UK film council things are looking bleak for the UK film industry. I'm not going to go into any political rantings or anything here don't worry, but let's face it. Things are going to be fucking harsh over the next few years as the money dries up. With that in mind I am going to go over some small budget horror films that seem to have been popping up all over the place lately. Some of them have had the help of the UK film council, some haven't. I was going to do just non UK film council funded films but that was virtually impossible. Again, it's going to be a hard few years without them.

British horror is in an alarmingly good place right now. With directors like Christopher Smith, and Neil Marshall, not forgetting the re-emergance of Hammer, things could be a lot worse for a horror fan. First up for your pleasure I shall be reviewing Colin. For those of you who haven't heard of it, this is a zombie film which had the ludicrously small budget of £45, did remarkably well and was even shown at Cannes.

The film is in no way without flaws, at times the lack of budget really hampers your viewing pleasure which I will go on about later. The reason this film is good though is because it doesn't follow the usual zombie film by numbers route. Colin gets bitten at the very start of the film, it then follows him as a zombie. Seeing how it affects members of his family who have been searching for him, and how the world is affected by the outbreak through the zombies eyes. It's a very interesting premise that is very well executed here.

Anyway the films started, Colin is washing the blood off his hand in his kitchen. He has a hammer which is also covered in blood so it looks like he got some good zombie bashing done before the cunt got a hold of him. The acting is pretty solid, which you wouldn't expect from a film with a budget as small as this. I've seen worse in that new series Outcasts, but the less said about that the better really. Bastard, yeah I just jumped. Fucking zombies scare the shit out of me.

 

Colin is now officially one of the undead, and he's stuck in his house. He can't open the door, he's a fucking zombie. Don't worry he just fell out the window so it's not like we have to worry about him just sitting in the house all the time. Imagine how dull it would be if he spent the whole film locked in a house. It'd be like Big Brother. I love the fact that in this film there are people having to escape the zombie horde all the time. Currently Colin is walking down the street and there are screams coming from a house as some woman trying to escape is hauled back inside, while a guy trying to escape in his bathrobe is totally brutalised. 

Bloody zombies everywhere... The bastards.There's no escape. A guy just ran past Colin with a shopping trolley and knocked him over, when he got up the expression on his face was awesome. This is in no way a comedy, it's bleak as all zombie films should be, but there are moments of pure comedy genuis. They aren't played up, Colin doesn't wink at the screen or anything but there are nuances in his performance that create outstanding moments. 

Just to clarify, although it has no budget the effects are good, I'm currently wincing from a rather gruesome moment of Colin getting his feed on. There are also some rather beautiful moments of people giving up, allowing the zombies to take them. I mean there are morons in the film too, a woman just tried to hold a zombie back with a small flimsy piece of plastic but those people deserve to die. Fucking idiots. Let's face it if there is a Zombie infestation, and you end up in a party with someone who tries to hold zombies back using a thin piece of plastic, you'd trip them up and give yourself more time to get away. Not being a cunt or anything but they're going to get you killed eventually so you may as well get them first.

Anyway, a couple of guys have spotted Colin and have decided they want his shoes. So they jump him, hold him down and try to grab them. Again, fucking morons. This time however Colin is saved by his sister, who happens upon him as the guys fail miserably to take his shoes off. He bites her for her troubles too, the ungrateful zombie prick. But that's a zombie for you. Stupid bitch, what the hell was she thinking. It's the classic 'one of your loved ones is a zombie' scenario though. That's why I'll be killing all mine... Just kidding... maybe. 

The next part is probably my favourite part of the film, for pure stupidity. A young boy has decided to do a film documentary on how his family have survived the zombie invasion, by letting lots of zombies into his house. Oh you people are all just determined to get your loved ones killed aren't you. Like the scene in Flight of the Undead where the awesome golf guy get's done in because his wife decides to run after him through a mass of zombies and he comes back to rescue her. Sorry but she deserves to die and you just got yourself killed dickhead. Even if the guy from "Hardball" is in the film, he can't save you. What??? Yeah I digress... You'd be disapointed if I didn't so shut the hell up.

These people are well and truly fucked. The living room is filled with zombies and they're desperately trying to hold them off with pots and pans. Seriously people, keep better fucking weapons in your house. A hammer, a baseball/cricket bat. anythings better than a cheap ass frying pan. They're even using an umbrella, morons. One of them actually manages to get away though, not for long though because she's managed to bump into a guy who's clearly a mental. He locks her in a basement with a bunch of (you guessed it) zombies. Colin has fallen down a hatch so he's also in the room.

Yeah things aren't going well for her, but then again she did allow herself to be locked in a basement by some random stranger. The crazy bastard has removed all the zombies eyes too so you never know she may even make it out alive. Anyway this is one of the moments the film gets annoying, it's far too dark. You can't really tell what’s going on well enough. It's a pain in the ass, it sounds like something very interesting is going on but I couldn't really tell what it was. Maybe I'm just moaning but it bugs me everytime I watch the film.

So Colin walks past the guy who keeps all the zombies in the basement and gives him a very un-approving look, oh it doesn't look like she'll make it out alive after all because the old cunt has just thrown her ass back down into the basement just as she was about to escape. Damn.

Good old Colin has yet again managed to bump into his sister, who still hasn't turned into a zombie. That'll be that dramatic effect thing I spoke about in a previous blog. Well it is a zombie film after all and they use it so well. His sister Laura is determined to take Colin to see their mum for some reason. Maybe she wants her to die and doesn't want the guilt, maybe Colin was always the favourite and she just wants to rub it in. Probably not though right? So the mum gets to see Colin through a window and jumps at her, from the look on Lauras face I guess that wasn't part of the plan. Damn zombies, they just mess up everything.

While Colins locked in the room something very interesting seems to happening through the door, very interesting and muffled. I'm guessing the mum has killed herself having seen what's happened to her son but I'm not sure. They've just brought a body into the room with Colin so I'm sure we'll find out in a minute. And the winner is... Laura has finally turned into a zombie, so they've fucked her into the same room their other zombie family member. Collecting zombies is never going to end well, all I'm saying.

When zombie Laura finally wakes up she manages to get the door open and they both go off into the night. Nice of the family to let them loose on everyone instead of locking them in. Guess they don't think it's their problem anymore. Enter the usual idiotic vigilanties who decide to try to clean up their streets. Very noble, but lets face it I've seen this kind of film before, a large number of them will be killed and their numbers will dwindle until there's not enough of them left to do anything about the massing hordes. They don't fight well together and most of the time just get in each others way. Probably a realistic potrayal of this kind of moron.

Anyway I'm pretty sure you're growing tired of my ramblings about the film by now. It's not a film I could ruin because let's face it, he's already a fucking zombie. It's not like he can get turned into a zombie again and it doesn't have a big enough budget for him to turn into some crazy zombie hybrid that's going to try to kick Milla Jovovichs ass. Oh the depravity.

Ultimately this film, although flawed, is a good idea, done well for the money spent on it, and is in no way going to waste 90 minutes of your life. Don't go watching it expecting Night of the Living Dead or anything but I really enjoyed it. It's one of the better zombie films made lately. Another decent british zombie film you may want to check out is Devils Playground with Danny Dyer. Don't let him put you off though because it is alarmingly enjoyable. It is a bit of 28 days later but if you're a fan of zombie films you shouldn't be too dissapointed.

Next week... SALVAGE


 

Steel Dawn

1987

Director

Lance Hool

Starring

Patrick Swayze

Anthony Zerbe

Brion James

Arnold Vosloo

Yep it’s my birthday but I’m still getting this review in. That’s fucking devotion for you. I mean at least 4 people read this right... 3 maybe. Okay, 2 people, and you deserve better than me taking time off to get drunk. I can do that shit later.

So the review, Steel Dawn. If you haven’t seen this, it’s one of those 80’s post apocalyptic films that were rife back then. What makes this one so special I hear you ask... It’s Patrick Swayze, let me get this straight, this isn’t the gay ghost that dances with the big nosed girl from Ferris Buellers Patrick Swayze. This is the kick ass Roadhouse Patrick Swayze, Point Break’s Patrick Swayze. This is the Patrick Swayze that fucked people up in Youngblood, Red Dawn, and Next of Kin.

You can easily forget Patrick Swayze was awesome. I mean everyone has been forced to sit through Dirty Dancing at some point in their life by some ghost of girlfriends past, but let’s face it. The man was a fucking legend. Whether it’s ripping some guys throat out in Roadhouse or jumping out a fucking plane in Point Break the guy commanded the screen. This came out the same year as Dirty Dancing, talk about not getting typecast.

Steel Dawn has an awesome cast you have another legend in Brion James, he was the Limey in Tango and Cash to name just one of the many films he played a bad guy. He’s not even a bad guy in this film. Madness. Anthony Zerbe, who has pretty much had a guest appearance in every tv show in America at some point. And Darkman himself Arnold Vosloo. Yeah I know Liam Neeson played him in the first one but Arnold did a good job in the sequels. I won’t talk about his Mummy films though because let’s face it, the only good one was the first one. The music was done by Brian May, no not the guy with giant hair from queen but the Australian guy who did the music for Mad Max. Told you the ensemble was amazing. Put a fucking bow on it and call it Steel Dawn.

So it begins in a way all action films should, a fight. Swayze is meditating when crazy sand people try to steal his gear. But he’s Patrick Swayze and he kicks their ass before they get any of his stuff. It’s by no means a long fight but it’s just enough to let you realise how cool Swayze is in this and that he’s living in a bad bad world. He’s spiritual, like a sandy samurai with a dodgy ponytail. It’s the classic western style hero. He has to be mean cause he lives in a bad world.

Let’s get this straight, this film is a western set in the future, a weary traveller coming across a small farm that’s having trouble from local heavies who want the farm for themselves. He comes along and helps them out. Yeah it’s a futuristic Shane. That’s in no way a bad thing as Shane is one of the greatest westerns of all time. Bill Hicks did a sketch featuring it, you don’t need a better recommendation than that.

So we’re currently in a bar, Swayze is talking to his mentor and the shit hits the fan. Swayze is knocked out and the little Asian guy is surrounded. Enter the big haired bad guy, and the old guy gets it. By some rather underhanded means if I do say so. But he’s a bad guy. You should never expect them to play by the rules. Jack Palance wouldn’t have played by the rules and neither are the fuckers in this film. I know Shane didn’t have a mentor that died at the beginning of the film but stay with me on this, we need more apathy towards our heroes in the 80s obviously.

It’s time for the classic walk across the desert scene all these films had. If you don’t know the kind of films I mean I’m talking about Salute of the Jugger, and Mad Max. If you still don’t know then you’re a fucking moron because everyone’s seen Mad Max. Oh and like any classic desert ridden post apocalyptic film Swayze makes friends with a dog. Still mans best friend even after the shit has hit that fan. Though the best dog in a film has to be the big bastard in The Hills Have Eyes. That’s the dog I want on my side, he fucked those cannibals up. 

Now comes the Shane part of the film. Thank fuck because for a minute I was starting to think it was all in my imagination and I’ve have to start this review all over again. Swayze comes to a purification farm , they’re getting hassle from a local landowner who wants to have a monopoly on the water supply. Water is money when the worlds a desert. Brion James is the foreman on the farm. Again just to get this in, the guy is a fucking legend, he was in Blade Runner. I don’t even need to list any more films after that. There’s also the obligitary kid that will no doubt be an annoying little fucker throughout the film. They always are.

There’s a community of farm owners trying to stand against Zerbe and his men. Hoping for good times ahead in what is a horrific and turbulent time for them. Oh that Zerbe’s playing a right big bastard.  Like the majority of the cast in this film he looks like he’s been out in the sun too long. But I guess that’s what shooting a film in Namibia will do to you. 

Oh and a half hour in just before a fight there’s a guy with an awesome laugh. Has to be one of the best laughs I’ve heard in a long time. I know it’s a weird thing to focus on but I just snorted Irn Bru through my nose so thought it’d be good to warn you so you weren’t caught unaware. Oh the bad guy just kicked the kid. He’s went too far now. The Swayze isn’t gonna stand for that shit. Patrick Fucking Swayze. Yeah it’s his middle name, it deserves a capital letter. 

Anyway I know normally I’d have this go on for a while until I get to the stage of nearly ruining the end of the film for you but I have to go get drunk. I know it’s a hard hard life but needs must and anyway, this film is too good to watch sober. So go out and watch this film. I waited a long time for it to be released on dvd and eventually found it not long after Swayze died. It’s sad that his career derailed in the 90s, he made a lot of awesome films right up until his death and I was genuinely upset when I heard. I mean the guy was Dalton. I’m going off to rip some guys throat out as a tribute. Catch you next week. 

Trick or Treat

1986

Director

Charles Martin Smith

Starring

Marc Price

Doug Savant

Gene Simmons

Ozzy Osbourne 

Trick or Treat is another classic from the 80s. Back when Gene Simmons decided he wanted to be an actor. Like seriously the guy was in one of the biggest bands in the world and just decided to go make films instead of concentrating on the music. Luckily for him he got involved in classic films like Wanted: Dead or Alive with Rutger Hauer and Runaway with Tom Selleck. Okay so they’re the only good ones he made but at least he didn’t make a tit of himself.

The film was directed by the awesome actor Charles Martin Smith, for those of you who don’t recognise the name he was the bald one in the untouchables who was killed in the lift. I think he did anyway. Fuck I’ll check it later. Sure it also leads to an awesome speech by Sean Connery too.

Anyway I digress, for those of you who don’t know, this is a film about a recently deceased rock start who possess a kid after he falls asleep listening to his last recording. The kid then goes after the bullies that have been tormenting him in high school. It’s better than it sounds though. Honest guvnor, would I lie to you??? 

So the film begins with Eddie (Marc Price), he’s writing a letter to rock star Sammi Curr. They come from the same town and Eddie feels an affinity towards the big haired motherfucker. But hey, it was the 80s. All the rock stars had big giant awesome hair. He’s been getting problems from bullies in his school. But let’s face it, you never got into rock music to be cool. Oh he just got thrown into the gym naked by the guy from desperate housewives. No wonder the twins are so messed up. 

So the films only been on 5 minutes and already Eddie’s been horrifically humiliated and he’s writing to a rock star like he’s his lover. Seriously it’s kinda creepy. Not in a good way. Like a stalker fan kind of way. To make matters worse the crazy rock star just died in a hotel fire. I like the way the film parodies the furore the 80s had with rock music here. I mean they took twisted sister to court in the 80s. Yeah rock music steals your soul makes you love Satan, apparently. 

Here’s big Gene, fuck yeah. He’s a DJ playing for a local rock station. Strangely he’s friendly with Eddie who let’s face it, so far has come across like a creepy little fucker. He even gives Eddie a copy of Sammi's last ever record. That’s a pretty good friend right there. He’s meant to play the fucker at midnight on Halloween, but he’s giving it to this weird little guy. What the fuck? 

Anyway Eddie’s life gets worse when he goes to a pool party after being invited by the only girl in the school that seems to show him any interest. You know it isn’t gonna end well since the guy from Desperate Housewives is there. Oh yeah there it is, humiliation. Thrown in the pool. The guy seriously didn’t see that coming, it was a pool party. I have friends that would throw me in if they got the chance; he should have gone in a wetsuit.

He goes home and falls asleep to the record, he has some crazy ass dreams and next thing you know the records talking to him. Like the way queen said it’s fun to smoke marihuana. I miss the good old days of crazy America politicians playing records backwards to prove rock stars were trying to get you to do drugs and worship Satan. Dumb fuckers.

The guy has balls though, he just fucked over that desperate housewives guy, he’s  gonna pay it for it soon but at least you see the guy as less of a waste of skin. I mean you want to make the main character appear weak but so far he has nothing going for him other than his love of rock music and the classic geek friend. He has bully fodder written all over him, poor guy. 

Just to say, if you have records at home and you start to hear them talking to you, not just talking to you but answering your questions it’s time to take the needle off the record. For those of you young bastards out there that have no idea what I’m talking about a record is the biggest loss the record industry has ever had. Seriously if we still had all the vinyl there wouldn’t be as much piracy, it actually felt like you owned something. That when you paid your money you went home with something substantial. I better end this now before I start to rant. You get my point though. I may be romancing it a little but the best way to listen to Ziggy Stardust is on a turntable. FACT.

So Eddie has a new found confidence because he started talking to the record of the dead guy, it’s also turned him into a bit of a prick. He just said ciao, who the fuck actually says that. I mean outside of Italy. That’s when you know someone’s an asshole. Ciao, seriously. 

Here comes Ozzy playing evangelist and moralist crusader Rev. Aaron Gilstrom. You’ve got to love Ozzy, I mean before he became a celebrity and recorded that awful covers album. But hey, Gene Simmons has done a lot worse, have you heard his version of Firestarter. Seriously though, it made my ears bleed urine. 

Eddie is yet again talking to the record, well it did just put a girl in hospital. That crazy rock music taking control of people, making them get naked and have to go to hospital. Seriously that’s something that actually just happened, not the title of my autobiography. So the film is a little weird, but it’s an 80s horror film what the hell were you expecting? It’s not as weird as Sleepaway camp but it’s not far off it. Oh go watch Sleepaway Camp if you get the chance, it’s fucked up. 

To catch you up with what’s going on in the film, Eddie’s decided talking to a record is pretty weird so throws it out, he gets his geek friend to steal back the copy that made the girl get naked and go to hospital. The geek ends up listening to it, talking to it and now he’s about to play it at the schools Halloween disco. Oh and Sammi’s now appeared in the flesh even though he’s dead and has spent the film talking through a record. Awesome.

Shit hits the fan at the school disco when the dead rock star appears, no one’s even put off with the fact that a dead guy just walked out an amp and started playing some tunes. I do love those 80s rock tunes. Eddies rushing through to save the day because let’s face it he’s the fucking hero in this film. Just as well really because Sammi’s killing people at the disco by shooting bolts of lightning out his guitar. Yeah you read that right, shooting bolts of lightning out his guitar. 

If you haven’t heard enough to know you have to watch this film then seriously what is wrong with you. Go out and buy it before I ruin the ending for you. Don’t worry I won’t. I’ll leave it here. I’ve been using my works new PC and I’m not used to it. I keep hitting the print button instead of the shift key. Seriously, who the fuck puts a print hotkey in the place you normally have the shift key., It’s building up some major rage and I have to put this thing down before it goes out the fucking window.

Until next time, oh and before I forget the film for next week’s review is the awesome STEEL DAWN. Yeah I totally just hit the print button again. KHAAAAAAAN.

Night of the Comet

1984

Director

Thom Eberhardt 

Starring

Robert Beltran 

Catherine Mary Stewart 

Kelli Maroney 

Geoffrey Lewis 

Another 80's classic, I feel a theme coming on here. Like 80's January or something, but that sounds retarded so we'll see how things go. Anyway, this is a classic lost gem. It has a good cast, Catherine Mart Stewart was in this the same year she was in The Last Starfighter which is another classic of the decade. 2 classics in one year, fuckawesome. 

This wasn't exactly a hit though, it passed a lot of people. But that's why fuckheads like me have film blogs to remind you of the crap you should have been watching when you were out playing doctors with the red headed girl next door. You know if it was a film you'd get together at the end as teenagers and be like we were meant for each other, but this being real life you just can't get past the fact that your mum has a picture of you both naked in the bath together.

Anyway, this is a zombie apocalypse, sci-fi, comedy. I think that's the best way to describe it. Basically a comet goes past the Earth, (what you didn't get that from the title?) turns out this comet turns people to dust, those that survived due to being indoors turn into crazy zombie types, and a small selection who were indoors surrounded by metal were fine. It makes sense... It's a fucking movie that has that chick from The Last Starfighter and Chakotay in it. I'm not going to complain. Films have stupid shit happening in them. Deal with it.

Anyway so the film starts with a creepy ass voiceover about dinosaurs dying out and shit, then you get to Reggie (Catherine Mary Stewart, Last Starfighter chick) and she's playing an arcade game. Which she rules at. She's working in the cinema and getting it on with the projectionist guy, who has some nice mullet action going on. Anyway, she stays in the booth with him over night when the comet is going on outside. Which is how she stays alive. She has a sister, Samantha (Kelli Marony) who is a spoilt little bitch but there's some set up of her. She survives by hiding in a lawn shed. Kind of gross but since everyone else turned to red dust I think she'll deal with it.

Reggie wakes up the next morning, her boyfriend with the mullet goes out to see what happened to the film he was expecting. He goes out and get's eaten. Damn, mullet mans gone already. Probably just as well though, cause I'm sure I'd end up talking about it the whole film. I could just take about Samantha and Reggies great 80's perms, but it's just not the same thing. Oh and the mullet guy deserves to die because he just said Superman can't see through steel. Even Reggie knows it's lead. Fucking dick, can't wait for him to get eaten now. Fucker deserves it. What? I'm not a geek or anything. Everyone knows that shit. Even Reggie.

Everywhere's covered in red dust and there's clothes all over the street covered in the stuff. Like everyone got naked and had a crazy party, that would make me run away because I'm a fucking prude. Yeah, I'm Mr. rock 'n' roll. I also love the outfits and music in this film. The 80's were awesome, I don't care what the hell people say about it. People wore the craziest shit. There was a period of time in the 90's when I wore a suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up. Now that's a fucking look I want to see come back.

Anyway Reggie's currently walking the streets, and they're dead but she isn't thinking anything’s wrong yet because people were out late watching the comet. That's until she sees the guy eating her boyfriend, and not in a gay way. In a zombie way. She kicks the zombie’s ass and runs home. Her sister is blissfully unaware of anything unusual going on, but she's the dumb blond cheerleader type. So Reggie explains to Samantha that everyone’s dead. In the most brutal way possible. Picking up the dust surrounding the person’s clothes and saying who that dust used to be. Awesome.

It sounds like there's someone at the radio station, so they head there. It's abandoned and there's a tape loop playing the mornings show but luckily this is where they meet Chakotay (Hector played by Robert Beltran). So they do whatever anyone would do in their situation and take over the radio station for a while and put on some of their favourite tunes... AIRHEADS style.

Whilst they take over the station they receive a call, from people in the desert. Scientists are holed up in a research facility. To make things better Geoffrey fucking Lewis is there. He's awesome. I love him in Way of the Gun, that's another film you should watch if you haven't seen it. It almost makes you stop caring that Juliette Lewis is a scientologist. Just for a second though, still one of the saddest things I found out this year. That's another teenage crush down the drain.

So they're starting to work out what’s happened, seems what happened to the zombies is happening to the zombies, just slower. Anyway Samantha goes out and starts driving around in a fast car, which we should all do if there's an apocalypse, and she get's stopped by the police. But they aren't normal police, they're zombie cops. Now there's an idea for a TV show... ZOMBIE COPS. Made of gold.

Anyway Chakotay goes to see if he can find his family and the girls do what any girls would so in this situation. Go get some guns and go shopping. As you would. I love that in these films the shops are always open. Either that or it's suddenly easy to break into them. But let’s face it when there's zombie's walking around then going shopping isn't always the best idea. Especially since in this film they can talk and still have some intelligence. 

Now we go to Chakotay getting to his house, his mum is gone. But don't worry there's a zombie kid hitting around. There's also some strange comedy style music when he's trying to get away from the kid. Sometimes this film doesn't know if it wants to be an all out scare fest or a comedy. A lot of films that try to bridge the gap, have that problem. Recently films like Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead have managed to do both, but most find it hard, like The Cottage.

Turns out the scientists are starting to forget shit, they left the air conditioning on so it looks like they’re gonna be turning into zombies soon too. But I'm getting ahead of myself. That happens later when it's more relevant to the main characters of the film. Don't you just love it when that happens. Like when a guy is bitten by a zombie and turns in seconds when 2 minutes earlier a guy just turned who was bitten at the start of the film. Always happens, I think they call that dramatic effect or something. All I'm saying is that when zombies attack, which they will, I'm just going to shoot anyone that get's bitten. I don't need dramatic effect in my life thank you very much.

Now it's time for posing in 80's clothes by the girls, dancing around in the shops. For some reason Samantha is dancing around in underwear and a hat but Cyndi Lauper's playing so I'm sure it's all good and not remotely exploitative. Turns out they picked the wrong store, zombies are in there working as security. That's that dramatic effect thing I was talking about. Let's face it if they went around not seeing zombies anywhere it would be a pretty fucking dull film. Just people walking about in nothingness with nothing happening to them. Fun.

So the scientists turn up, help them out and this is the point when I realise I'm about to ruin the whole film by telling you everything that's about to happen, thus negating your need to watch it. Which is the opposite of what I want to happen. I write these things so you'll go out, buy them, and watch them. Not download them mind, I said buy them. You do realise that piracy funds terrorism right? Heard that in a trailer so it must be true and not the government trying to scare us. Like moving the terror alert status because the prime minister burnt his toast. It was all the fault of terrorists coming in and changing the dial on his toaster. The bastards.

Losing my point again, that nearly never happens. So to roughly go through what happens until the end of the film. Reggie gets taken away by the scientists, meets more survivors. Chakotay and Samantha go to get her. That's the best I can do without ruining the film for you, and you should watch it because it's made of awesome. 80's awesome and isn't that the best kind? Like any John Cusack film from the 80's, I feel like grabbing a boom box and standing outside whilst lifting it above my head and listening to Peter Gabriel right now. Now if that isn't one of the most iconic film moments of the 80's I don't know what is.

Howard the Duck

1986
Director
Willard Huyck

Starring
Lea Thompson
Jeffrey Jones
Tim Robbins
Ed Gale

I was watching Mark Kermode yesterday on the BBC news channel doing some reviews and he made comparisons with Howard the Duck and Scott Pilgrim vs the World. Saying that in a few years everyone who hated it will be saying how much they enjoyed it, like Howard the Duck. I didn't realise I wasn't the only person in the world who loved this film. I always have. I'm not just saying that either. I was 8 when this film came out and the combination of animatronics, comic book storyline and 80's music was almost too much for my little 8 year old brain to deal with. I'd spend my days dancing around singing Howard the duck in my head even though those were the only words I knew.

But this was back in 1986, before George Lucas decided all he could do was Star Wars. In the 80's George Lucas produced some awesome films. Indianna Jones, Willow, Labirynth and this. The only good things to even mention him since are Mr. Plinketts reviews of the prequels on red letter media, Fanboys and the family guy/robot chicken star wars spoofs. Damn you George.

But I'm not going to turn this into a rant against George Lucas, that's been done by far better and funnier people than me. I will however be talking about the cinematic masterpiece that is Howard the Duck. Yeah you heard me, CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE.

The film opens in in Duckworld, Howard back from a days work sits down on his chair to read some duck porn. Yeah it exists here, you even get to see it. You have the classic things from our world transferred over to Duckworld. Like the Breeders of the lost ark poster or magazines like Playduck and Rolling Egg. Oh those writers. I feel to mention it that this film is based on a marvel comic book, but other than the name, and the odd nod now and then, it has nothing to do with it. Oh yeah and Howards about to get sucked up into space on his arm chair. He flies past a rather distrubing naked sheduck in the bath. You see her boobs and everything. Can't remember that from when I was 8.

Told you... weird. Anyway he lands in Cleveland and in finds himself in a waking nightmare, surrounded by 80's glam cyber punk types who look to do him harm. They grab him and start running around throwing the little guy at random people. Time for the first awesome 80's song "I can make it, here in hunger city".Things don't go well for Howard and he finally decides to hide in a bin. He comes out to save Beverly Switzler played by Lea Thompson when she is acosted by some punks. There are a lot of 80's glam cyber punks hitting about at the start of this film.You've got to love the 80's.


She takes him home because she's clearly awesome. She was in Red Dawn, Spacecamp and Back to the Future of course she's awesome. GO WOLVERINES! It doesn't really take her long to come to terms with him being a duck, but the film wouldn't be as fun if it did. Oh for any girls who want to watch this film she's currently carrying an awesome plastic red umbrella. She kind of looks like a cross between Cyndi Lauper and Madonna, before she was an old slut.

Here's me wasting my time with old sluts when an awesome films on. So he's in her flat looking at all her stuff which to him is crazy but to us is normal. See the comedy value of this, and you're sitting there doubting me that this is a cinematic masterpiece. She has a duck hand bag, there wasn't a duck hand bag in Avatar. It would have made me enjoy it more, all I'm saying. Blue people with duck bags, maybe in the sequel. You heard it here first, Avatar 2: blue people with duck bags. Awesome.

Turns out Howard is an awesome musician too, which is handy as Beverly is in an awesome band. they should colaborate on something. It happens later on I'm just fucking with you, it's as awesome as you'd expect. All like 80's and shit. She just picked up a little duck condom from his wallet. Kind of gross and not what you'd expect from a film I watched in Primary School. Different times I guess. We watched Gremlins there too and that was a 15. Our Teachers were mental, well it was that or Zig Zag.

She takes him to see Tim Robbins who isn't that evil guy in Arlington Road yet. I'm watching you Tim, I know what you're about to do to the dude you bastard. Anyway he's a scientist, no wait a janitor in a museum. He's a little bit mental, apparently he's been dating one of the girls in her band. He's awesome in this. So awesome I may forgive him for the evil he's about to do to Jeff, but I dunno like. He's always been a great actor and this was one of his first films. He's lucky he got more work after this, apparently there was a fight between two universal production heads trying to figure out who was to blame for greenlighting this film. I hope this is true.

Howard and Beverly fall out and he tries his hand at living in the world. He get's some shitty jobs, including cleaning jizz booths. Again, I watched this in Primary School. PRIMARY SCHOOL. Things don't go well for him and he finally decides to go back to see Beverly as she plays with her awesome band Cherrybomb, hopefully a reference to The Runaways classic.

You've got to love midgets. If it wasn't for midgets we wouldn't have some awesome actor in the suit playing Howard. Or a village in Willow. The only unfortunate thing is that the little guys should get more work. Not just some guy in a suit roles but actual roles in films with dramatic content. Damn Hollywoodland and it's bias against the little guys. Warwick Davis shouldn't need to wait for the new Leprechaun film to find work. He should be out there starring in Fight Club or Die Hard 4. I'd pay to see that.

Damn I'm losing my point again with all this midget talk. So he's back with Beverly now and he kicks their managers ass. Like beats the hell out of him. We need a midget James Bond or something. That would be awesome. Sorry I digress again. See once I start, I can't stop. I love the midgets. I know you're not meant to call them midgets but people aren't meant to call me a giant or physically stop in the street to point at the giant man. Doesn't stop them from doing it though does it?

Oh and their manager is totally the DA guy from Medium. Awesome. Now there's almost some girl on duck action. Lea Thompson is striding around in her pants. Again, WATCHED THIS IN PRIMARY SCHOOL! Anyway the amazing Jeffrey Jones is about to come in to the film. Oh yeah... Beautiful. He seems to have found the shoe he lost chasing Ferris Bueller too. Nice.


So Jeffrey Jones knows how Howard got here and he may have a way to send him back. Good news for the duck and possibly just in time for Lea Thompson, since she was just about to sleep with him. I mean that's going to cause some nightmares right. Waking up in cold sweats screaming Quack. You could never go to the park again. Madness.

The animatronics in Howard are awesome. Apparently they had a lot of trouble getting it right but I'm pleased they did. Without an awesome looking Howard this film would have fallen flat on it's ass. So the films now about to take it's dramatic twist. They attempt to redo the experiment which caused Howard to get here in the first place. Unfortunately they get it horribly wrong and bring back some crazy ass demon alien thing which possesses Jeffrey Jones. Oh yeah!

Sorry but even when Jeffery Jones appears in Sleepy Hollow I'm still singing the Yello song. If you go around chasing Ferris Bueller you deserve it though. The guy's a legend, I hear he has like cancer or something. Anyway the police are now after Howard due to the misfortune at the big science place. Howard and Beverly run off with Jeffrey Jones and quickly start to realise somethings wrong with him. Mainly due to the electricity that's coming out of his eyes.

This turn of events leads to many comical hijinks, including Tim Robbins and Howard on a crazy ultralight plane thing trying to find the big crazy possessed Jeffrey Jones. It eventually gets back to the science place for the big finale and another amazing 80's music number.

So go out and watch Howard the Duck. If you thought it was crap years ago you're wrong. Even Mark Kermode says it's good, and he is one of the only film reviewers I actually listen to nowadays. Well I'm not gonna listen to Paul Ross, he's a cunt. Like an actual vagina wrapped in a man suit. The dvd is available for £3, that's like cheaper than a magazine. Go buy it, if enough of us do maybe George Lucas will realise he doesn't have to keep giving us new editions of Star Wars and is capable of doing other things. Who the hell am I trying to kid, the guys lost it. but in the 80's he was gold.