Transformers: Dark of the moon

Director
Michael Bay
Starring
Shia LaBeouf
John Turturro
Frances McDormand
John Malkovich

A few years back I went to the cinema to watch the first transformers film and I loved it. So much that I even went to see it twice, which isn't that unusual for me. Then the weirdest thing happened when I got it on dvd... It was fucking awful. Not just bad but so bad I didn't believe it was the same film. So I never went to see the second one in the cinema, I waited for the dvd, I couldn't even make it to the end of the film it was so bad. So when the new one came out I decided that I had to see it in the cinema.

Transformers: Dark of the moon could possibly be the worst film I have ever seen in the cinema, this is coming from a guy who saw Dick Tracy there. Nothing in this film makes sense. It just falls deeper into the plot holes it creates for itself. If you're a fan of time, then you're fucked because there is no such thing as time in transformers 3, things happen randomly whenever Michael Bay decides they need to, regardless of the laws of physics.

Speaking of things that randomly happen when did it become okay to to have random things constantly  happen throughout a film. There is literally a scene where 2 characters are right next to each other then in under a minute one of those characters in a situation of jeopardy without any set up whatsoever.

This film is so annoying, I really wanted to enjoy it, but I only came close to enjoying it once and it was ruined by some random shit that didn't make sense. Seriously there's leaving your brain at the door before you walk in and then there's posting it second class to an island off the coast of Fiji. I enjoy dumb films but this one really takes the piss. People mocked the Green Lantern film for the hot wheels moment but at least they set it up earlier in the film, it wasn't like it was randomly pulled out of mid air.

Michael Bay decided to make this film by having a big emotional speech, big action sequence then straight onto the next big speech and big action sequence without setting anything up for it. It was like watching a storyboard.

Films like this really piss me off. I enjoy big dumb blockbuster films but I had to force myself not to walk out midway through the film. Oh and for all you people out there who are like "What the fuck are you talking about, it was awesome", wait a couple of years, watch it at home and I guarantee that you will spend half your time wondering if you put the wrong film in the DVD player. Fucking horrific.

Norwegian Ninja

Director
Thomas Cappelen Malling
Starring
Mads Ousdal
Jon Øigarden
Trond-Viggo Torgersen

Another amazing film from Norway, what the hells going on out there ? You have Dead Snow, The Troll Hunter, Cold Prey and now Norwegian Ninja. All of which have been pretty damned awesome.

Norwegian Ninja could be one of the best film premises I've ever heard. It's based on a real guy, Arne Treholt, who was imprisoned for selling country secrets to the Russians during the cold war. But this film states that he was actually heading up a team of highly trained ninjas who work to save Norway during the cold war. Their island is guarded by Feng shui and you have many steps to reach enlightenment. FUCKING AWESOME.

The film looks like it just came out the 80's, like it's a documentary on the ninja's and their continuing mission to save Norway through any means necessary. During the big scenes with explosions it resembles Thunderbirds which only adds to how awesome the film is. You see a puff of smoke then a ninja will appear, Arne has strange almost jedi powers which happen so casually at times you could miss them.

I can't say enough how funny this film is, from it's premise down to the perfect execution. There's not much in this film that doesn't work. I suppose you could easily lump it in with the recent spate of grindhouse style films as it is clearly is trying to get back to the eighties but that could be doing it a disservice. Just watch the damned film, personally I can't get enough of those Norwegian ninja's.

RUBBER

Director
Quentin Dupieux
Starring
Stephen Spinella
Roxane Mesquida
Wings Hauser

Everything about this film from the box to the premise made me so excited I nearly couldn't get the dvd out the box. A film about a killer tyre, what could go wrong ?.... Well it's hard to pin point but something went wrong somewhere, bugger knows where though.

So it's an arty concept film that goes between concept film, to horror, to black comedy then back again, and  I think that may be the problem I had with it. When you start getting into the comedy it turns into arty concept killer tyre movie, then you get into that and it goes into horror, then you go off to see some people watching the film getting made and they're saying how none of it makes sense, then it's back to something funny.

I mean don't get me wrong the whole point is that nothing in a film needs a reason to happen, or in fact to make any sense at all. There's no explanation for Robert (the tyre) to come alive and you don't need it. But then you have a guy bringing someone poisoned food and then eating it himself, it kind of goes a little too far. David Lynch has been making films that go off on crazy tangents for no apparent reason for years and I can still watch and enjoy them.

I guess ultimately I just left this film feeling a little like it was a wasted opportunity, it's so well shot, and you actually feel some empathy for the tyre. The funny bits had me laughing my ass off. A Sheriff talking dirty to a tyre through a speaker tied around a dummies neck could be one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I guess I just expect more from my killer tyre movies.

World of the Dead: Zombie Diaries 2

Directors
Michael Bartlett
Kevin Gates
Starring
Philip Brodie 
Alix Wilton Regan
Rob Oldfield
I enjoyed the first Zombie Diaries, it was flawed as many zombie films are but ultimately with the exception of the shitty ending it was okay. This however was a big pile of shit. Don't get me wrong, some things in the film work really well. I just can't get over the fact that some guy can't stop filming while his friends get done in. I mean they even allow a civilian they've just met (Leeann from the first film this time played by Alix Wilton Regan) to run around with a shotgun while the military trained Jonesy films everything.

To give you an idea of how frustrating the film is, within the first 5 minutes a guy is giving his kid a birthday cake, it's mid zombie infestation and their worried their daughter is gonna start noticing somethings went awry. So when he hears a noise outside during the zombie infestation clearly he goes outside with a little fucking torch to find out where the noise is coming from. It's almost as if he wants both himself, wife and child to die. And that's just the start of the stupid shit going on.

The main door in a military compound is opened allowing zombies in, though I don't really understand why a military compound would have a) such a flimsy lock easily opened without making any noise and b) why the hell a military compound wouldn't have a lookout of some kind during a zombie infestation.

The film even features a moment in which the military guys are being chased by bandits with guns in the dark, the guy with the camera actually puts the cameras light on thereby giving away their position to the bandits chasing them with semi automatic weapons. What the fuck. It's the sheer stupidity of the film that get's in the way of the story. Which could be good.

I can't help but think this would have been better if it was filmed as an actual proper film rather than a video diary. You can make a good zombie film on a low budget, the recent German film Siege of the Dead is an outstanding example of this. Hell even the first zombie diaries is an example of this. This film just has far too many frustrating moments which ultimately ruin your enjoyment of the film.