Colin

2008
Director
Marc Price
Starring
Alastair Kirton
Daisy Aitkens

With the recent demise of the UK film council things are looking bleak for the UK film industry. I'm not going to go into any political rantings or anything here don't worry, but let's face it. Things are going to be fucking harsh over the next few years as the money dries up. With that in mind I am going to go over some small budget horror films that seem to have been popping up all over the place lately. Some of them have had the help of the UK film council, some haven't. I was going to do just non UK film council funded films but that was virtually impossible. Again, it's going to be a hard few years without them.

British horror is in an alarmingly good place right now. With directors like Christopher Smith, and Neil Marshall, not forgetting the re-emergance of Hammer, things could be a lot worse for a horror fan. First up for your pleasure I shall be reviewing Colin. For those of you who haven't heard of it, this is a zombie film which had the ludicrously small budget of £45, did remarkably well and was even shown at Cannes.

The film is in no way without flaws, at times the lack of budget really hampers your viewing pleasure which I will go on about later. The reason this film is good though is because it doesn't follow the usual zombie film by numbers route. Colin gets bitten at the very start of the film, it then follows him as a zombie. Seeing how it affects members of his family who have been searching for him, and how the world is affected by the outbreak through the zombies eyes. It's a very interesting premise that is very well executed here.

Anyway the films started, Colin is washing the blood off his hand in his kitchen. He has a hammer which is also covered in blood so it looks like he got some good zombie bashing done before the cunt got a hold of him. The acting is pretty solid, which you wouldn't expect from a film with a budget as small as this. I've seen worse in that new series Outcasts, but the less said about that the better really. Bastard, yeah I just jumped. Fucking zombies scare the shit out of me.

 

Colin is now officially one of the undead, and he's stuck in his house. He can't open the door, he's a fucking zombie. Don't worry he just fell out the window so it's not like we have to worry about him just sitting in the house all the time. Imagine how dull it would be if he spent the whole film locked in a house. It'd be like Big Brother. I love the fact that in this film there are people having to escape the zombie horde all the time. Currently Colin is walking down the street and there are screams coming from a house as some woman trying to escape is hauled back inside, while a guy trying to escape in his bathrobe is totally brutalised. 

Bloody zombies everywhere... The bastards.There's no escape. A guy just ran past Colin with a shopping trolley and knocked him over, when he got up the expression on his face was awesome. This is in no way a comedy, it's bleak as all zombie films should be, but there are moments of pure comedy genuis. They aren't played up, Colin doesn't wink at the screen or anything but there are nuances in his performance that create outstanding moments. 

Just to clarify, although it has no budget the effects are good, I'm currently wincing from a rather gruesome moment of Colin getting his feed on. There are also some rather beautiful moments of people giving up, allowing the zombies to take them. I mean there are morons in the film too, a woman just tried to hold a zombie back with a small flimsy piece of plastic but those people deserve to die. Fucking idiots. Let's face it if there is a Zombie infestation, and you end up in a party with someone who tries to hold zombies back using a thin piece of plastic, you'd trip them up and give yourself more time to get away. Not being a cunt or anything but they're going to get you killed eventually so you may as well get them first.

Anyway, a couple of guys have spotted Colin and have decided they want his shoes. So they jump him, hold him down and try to grab them. Again, fucking morons. This time however Colin is saved by his sister, who happens upon him as the guys fail miserably to take his shoes off. He bites her for her troubles too, the ungrateful zombie prick. But that's a zombie for you. Stupid bitch, what the hell was she thinking. It's the classic 'one of your loved ones is a zombie' scenario though. That's why I'll be killing all mine... Just kidding... maybe. 

The next part is probably my favourite part of the film, for pure stupidity. A young boy has decided to do a film documentary on how his family have survived the zombie invasion, by letting lots of zombies into his house. Oh you people are all just determined to get your loved ones killed aren't you. Like the scene in Flight of the Undead where the awesome golf guy get's done in because his wife decides to run after him through a mass of zombies and he comes back to rescue her. Sorry but she deserves to die and you just got yourself killed dickhead. Even if the guy from "Hardball" is in the film, he can't save you. What??? Yeah I digress... You'd be disapointed if I didn't so shut the hell up.

These people are well and truly fucked. The living room is filled with zombies and they're desperately trying to hold them off with pots and pans. Seriously people, keep better fucking weapons in your house. A hammer, a baseball/cricket bat. anythings better than a cheap ass frying pan. They're even using an umbrella, morons. One of them actually manages to get away though, not for long though because she's managed to bump into a guy who's clearly a mental. He locks her in a basement with a bunch of (you guessed it) zombies. Colin has fallen down a hatch so he's also in the room.

Yeah things aren't going well for her, but then again she did allow herself to be locked in a basement by some random stranger. The crazy bastard has removed all the zombies eyes too so you never know she may even make it out alive. Anyway this is one of the moments the film gets annoying, it's far too dark. You can't really tell what’s going on well enough. It's a pain in the ass, it sounds like something very interesting is going on but I couldn't really tell what it was. Maybe I'm just moaning but it bugs me everytime I watch the film.

So Colin walks past the guy who keeps all the zombies in the basement and gives him a very un-approving look, oh it doesn't look like she'll make it out alive after all because the old cunt has just thrown her ass back down into the basement just as she was about to escape. Damn.

Good old Colin has yet again managed to bump into his sister, who still hasn't turned into a zombie. That'll be that dramatic effect thing I spoke about in a previous blog. Well it is a zombie film after all and they use it so well. His sister Laura is determined to take Colin to see their mum for some reason. Maybe she wants her to die and doesn't want the guilt, maybe Colin was always the favourite and she just wants to rub it in. Probably not though right? So the mum gets to see Colin through a window and jumps at her, from the look on Lauras face I guess that wasn't part of the plan. Damn zombies, they just mess up everything.

While Colins locked in the room something very interesting seems to happening through the door, very interesting and muffled. I'm guessing the mum has killed herself having seen what's happened to her son but I'm not sure. They've just brought a body into the room with Colin so I'm sure we'll find out in a minute. And the winner is... Laura has finally turned into a zombie, so they've fucked her into the same room their other zombie family member. Collecting zombies is never going to end well, all I'm saying.

When zombie Laura finally wakes up she manages to get the door open and they both go off into the night. Nice of the family to let them loose on everyone instead of locking them in. Guess they don't think it's their problem anymore. Enter the usual idiotic vigilanties who decide to try to clean up their streets. Very noble, but lets face it I've seen this kind of film before, a large number of them will be killed and their numbers will dwindle until there's not enough of them left to do anything about the massing hordes. They don't fight well together and most of the time just get in each others way. Probably a realistic potrayal of this kind of moron.

Anyway I'm pretty sure you're growing tired of my ramblings about the film by now. It's not a film I could ruin because let's face it, he's already a fucking zombie. It's not like he can get turned into a zombie again and it doesn't have a big enough budget for him to turn into some crazy zombie hybrid that's going to try to kick Milla Jovovichs ass. Oh the depravity.

Ultimately this film, although flawed, is a good idea, done well for the money spent on it, and is in no way going to waste 90 minutes of your life. Don't go watching it expecting Night of the Living Dead or anything but I really enjoyed it. It's one of the better zombie films made lately. Another decent british zombie film you may want to check out is Devils Playground with Danny Dyer. Don't let him put you off though because it is alarmingly enjoyable. It is a bit of 28 days later but if you're a fan of zombie films you shouldn't be too dissapointed.

Next week... SALVAGE