Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Man Movie Day

So yeah, I'm bloody late with this again. This time however I have a damn fine excuse. I spent Saturday getting drunk and watching films... Man films. "What is a man film ?" I hear you ask. Well a man film is the kind of film your girlfriend/wife generally has no interest in watching. Don't get me wrong, I know some girls out there like man films as much as I do, but the general rule is that if you ask you're partner to watch Commando. She looks like you just asked her if you could butt fuck her mum in French.

So day began at 11. To ensure I was in the right frame of mind for my day of man film goodness I watched some MMA before I left the house. So I was ready for some crazy fighting man movie related crazyness.

First up Pathfinder, the rather awesome film starring future Judge Dredd, Karl Urban. The only problem I have with this film is that we were watching it on a hd tv with a blu ray player.So it made this and most of the other films look like a mexican soap opera. It made a couple of the effects look especially bad but ultimately this film is fucking awesome.

Karl Urban plays Ghost, a viking who has been brought up by a Native American tribe after they found him as a boy on a wrecked ship. Vikings arrive when he's all grown up 15 or 30 years later. I say 15 or 30 years because at the start of the film they say it's been 15 years then later someone says it was 30 years. Cunts. Clancy Brown plays the big fucking Viking guy who is hell bent on tearing the land apart so all his viking buddies can take over the land.
It's an awesome film, and is one of the many films that didn't do too well in the cinema but kicked ass in the dvd market. This is often the case for action films, hence why so many awesome action films are made just for the dvd market. If you haven't seen this film then stop being such a dick and buy the fucker.

It's not even 13:00 and we're already one film down, the chilli is on and we're currently drinking fanta. A note to anyone doing this, if you start drinking too early you may not make it through the day. You don't want to have a mid afternoon snooze and miss some awesome action. Have people draw on you, and if everyone's drunk there's always the posibility you may end up naked in the back garden so pace yourself people.
Next up is Taxi, not the shitty American remake with Queen Latifah and Jimmy fucking Fallon, but the original awesome french film. Yeah you heard it, we're watching a French film on Man Movie Day. But lets face it, Luc Besson has been producing some great action films lately. This is the first of 3 for the day, and they're all set in france.

The film follows an ex pizza delivery guy Daniel, becoming a crazy taxi driver, and getting caught up in Emiliens police investigation. A troop of Germans are busy robbing banks and Emilien is fucking useless. It's funny and has some awesome car chase sequences through Marsielle. If you have only suffered the American fuck up then you should watch it. There's four of the fuckers now and they're all awesome.

It hits 14:30 and I need to go get the wife, 30 minutes later and I'm back. This time with a blu ray, not the wife, it's man movie day you fucking moron. There's only so much crappy looking awesome I can take without the aid of booze. So a blu ray was very much called for. But it'll have to wait because we've just put on Big Trouble in Little China.

Jack Burton says... anything he fucking wants because he's one of the best characters to appear on film, ever. He's so shit at everything and spends most of the film fucking up but you love the fucker for it. Kurt Russell as usual is amazing as the crap hero. Kurt Russell and John Carpenter make great films together. There's isn't one of them I couldn't put on right now and love.

Kim Cattrall is pretty awful in it though, it's no Mannequin or Split Second for her, but it was the eighties and she wasn't an old slut yet. Hell I even kind of thought she was hot back then, especially in Star Trek. Which lets face it is a world of fucking wrong. You all know what the film is about, it's just about awesome. There's no other way to describe it. It constantly appears in my greatest films ever made list. Fuck the Godfather, Jack Burtons on.

Time for blu ray goodness with From Paris with Love, I remember seeing the poster for this and thinking it looked shit. It has to be one of the best action films made in the last few years. I even put it in my top ten action films of the last decade if you remember that hell at the end of last year.

John Travolta is fucking awesome in this film, how often can you say that these days. He plays a crazy spy who comes to france to kick some ass with the aid of his new partner Henry VIII, sorry i mean Jonathan Rhys Meyers. He's the personal aid to the US Ambassador. It's the second awesome Luc Besson produced film of the day. Don't worry a Transporter film isn't the last one. Though I do enjoy watching Jason Statham kick the fuck out of people.

Now were full flow manlyness, yeah it's a word. Eating some hot fucking chilli with crazy Dave chilli sauce. It's hot enough to blow your asshole off. Seriously. I had a tiny wee dab on my tounge and I felt it for the next hour. Pure mentalness, made of good.
Fifth film up, I think it's the fifth.... Yeah it's definitely the fifth film of the day. I'm losing it, the chilli is finished and the beer is well and truly flowing. I guess it's time to watch Liam Neeson beat the fuck out of some people in Taken. Holy fucking shit this film is so good if I wasn't married already I'd do a weird science, turn it into a woman and fuck it.

It's fucking orgasmic, not a word of a lie. This is the third Luc Besson produced film of the day. Liam Neeson plays an ex special forces operative who's daughter gets kidnapped in France. The scene where she is taken is brutal, just the moment when he tells her she's going to be taken gives me goosebumps. This film could easily have just been your average run of the mill action espionage film, but Liam Neeson makes it so much more.

The acting throughout the film is just perfect, you completely believe in the characters. Apparently they're making a sequel. I can't wait. I hope it brings in his old unit. They appear in the film for a while at a barbeque and he goes on a job with them protecting Holly Valance. Just putting my two cents in there. And yes, even Holly Valance can't ruin this film.

Next up was the shock package of the day. I'd bought Blood and Bone in Tesco a couple of days before and thought it looked pretty good for £4. Fuck me was it good. Michael Jai White plays and ex con who gets involved in an underground fighting circuit. Yeah it's a film that's been made many times before but the fight. This film however brings in a few MMa guys like Kimbo Slice and also has some of the best martial arts fight scenes I've seen in a long time.

I have no idea where the hell Michael Jai White has been hiding, he pops up now and then. He was in Spawn and Universal Soldier: The Return but he is every inch an action star. And thats a lot of fucking inches. Considering I bought this on a whim it was fucking spectacular. Again, not the storyline, some of the acting isn't great but the action in the film is just awesome. At one point he jumps up and kicks four guys before he hits the ground. Four fucking guys.... Awesome.

You often watch these films and the guys just stand there waiting to be hit while the main actor poses and gives some cheesy awesome line before he kicks the guy in the face. Not in this, it actually looks like a proper fight, not a saturday night in Glasgow, guys falling on each other kind of fight. But it looks like the other guy is fighting back. Go watch this film. Michael Jai White needs to get big so he can be Luke Cage and we can see Black Dynamite 2. Speaking of Black Dynamite.

DYNAMITE... DYNAMITE... Oh yeah, you can't have a man movie night without the meanest motherfucker the world ever did see. Black Dynamite is one of the funniest films I've ever had the fortune to watch. I love Blaxploitation films and a lot of the pulp fiction around from that time. This film isn't some Scary movie esque mockery but a full on respectful affair which just plays up a lot of things which actually happened on low budget affairs like Black Samurai and Blacula. Two of my personal favourites from that time.

If you haven't seen it or for some reason didn't quite get it then your a fucking moron. If you've only just heard about it recently then your a fucking moron. The moment this film was completed the world changed forever. I may be over emphasising it a bit but get your friends together with some beers and watch this film. if anyone doesn't laugh then they're probably dead. Don't bother going to the doctors to check the diagnosis. Just bury the fucker in your back garden. Kicking and screaming is usual, that's why you have coffins.
It's coming close to midnight and my beer has all gone. Normally this would bring about the end of the evening but we said fuck it and put on Army of Darkness. See I told you we had a film day of awesomeness. I know I say awesome a lot but this day was made for a word like that. I brought the majority of the films down so you'd have to worry if I didn't like them. The films we never got round to watching were, The Last Boy Scout, Beverly Hills Cop, Cliffhanger, The Thing and Outlander. So it was never going to be a shit day of films.

Anyway Army of Darkness is the amazing third part of the Evil Dead Trilogy. A film series which still has to be one of the best trilogys ever to be pushed out of the statue of libertys vagina. I manage to make it halfway through before my body gives up. Damn going out the night before, ruining my enjoyment of man movie night. Eventually I had to give in and walk home, just as Ash had fucked up getting the Necronomicon. Bugger.

Next weeek I'll be back to the regularly scheduled programme... See you then.

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