A Lonely Place To Die

Melissa Gilbert has been slowly getting together a rather awesome CV of films, Triangle, the shockingly good Amityville remake, 30 days of night. The list goes on. I mean she'll always be Angel from Home and Away but there's not too many people that started off in Home and Away that manage to do anything... Danni Minogue doing a crap Macbeth at the fringe then being a cunt on the X factor doesn't count.

She was the main reason I went to see this... I didn't know too much about the rest of the cast, or the director before stepping into the theatre. The cast is actually pretty outstanding for a low budget British thriller. You will know most of the faces that appear onscreen. You won't even spend the first minute or two trying to remember where you know them from. Which is always a bonus.

Now I did think this was a horror before I went to see it, but that was me being my usual dumbass self. It's actually a rather good (and at times horrifying) thriller. A group of climbers come across a young girl who has been locked inside a hastily built chamber, after hearing her screaming from an airpipe. They try to take the girl to the local police but on the way come across the kidnappers who then proceed to chase them across the countryside.

It's paced well and the violence goes from quick bursts to sheer brutality. One of the things I love is that when the violence happens, it's very real. There's no grandstanding, it's bang and the guy is fucked. Don't get me wrong there are moments when you're like "how the hell is she still standing?", but you get over it quickly as something else happens before you get the chance to dwell on it.

The best thing about this film had to be the woman sitting in front of me who gasped and shrieked in all the right places. It really enhanced my viewing pleasure. But that's why we go to the cinema right. It's not all teenagers being cunts and eating loudly. Sometimes you get a good audience. Who the fuck thought I'd ever say that???

10 outstanding Horror films I've bought lately

What a catchy title right??? Sorry I am fully aware how crap I've been updating this blog lately. I have a ton of films sitting to review but haven't had the time... So here's a quick way round it. Here's a list of 10 outstanding horror films I've bought lately. Some are old, some are new,all of them fucking rock.

They aren't in any order... Well they are in the order that I picked them off the shelf and sat them next to me but you get what I mean.

10. "Don't Look Now" (1973)

This classic psychological horror stars Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland trying to deal with the death of their child. It possibly features some of the most iconic images ever seen on film, I know I'll never buy any kid of mine a red rain coat. A lot of people don't like this, I ,however, am a huge fan. They manage to make Venice look both beautiful and menacing. Whilst you go on a strange journey through it's underbelly.

9. Switchblade Romance (2003)

This is the first French film on the list. It's a classic slasher film that manages to feel fresh and original. Which is hard to do since America has been so hell bent on releasing so many crap ones lately. I mean seriously, all the fucking boys love mandy lane, my bloody hell 3D... Fuck off, just fuck right off back to your mansion in the hollywood hills you incompetent prick.

Wait I was meant to be talking about Switchblade Romance, Alex and Marie go to the countryside to visit Alex's parents. Unfortunately for them it just so happens to be a the same time as a bloody homocidal maniac, who then pretty much kills everything and everyone. I can't speak highly enough of this film, if it had been made in the seventies in America this would be one of the classics. It still is, you just may not know about it.

8. Leprechaun (1993)

FUCK YEAH... I'm the fucking Leprechaun. I love this film, to make life even better I found it on dvd for £1. Yeah that's right bitches, classic american horror for £1. A young Jennifer Aniston get's hounded by Warwick Davis in a leprechaun suit. I love films like this, America used to throw them out all the time and you'd find it next to Critters, Ghoulies,  and A nightmare on elm street 3 in the video store. It's actually a little sad that films like this don't really get made anymore. It's awesome, get some friends round, get some booze and you'll have a great night.

7. Stake Land (2011)

This is another great film, but I knew it'd be great. How did you know I hear you ask... Danielle Fucking Harris. She is an outstanding actress and has been making great films since she was a kid. What do you mean who the fuck is Danielle Fucking Harris. How dare you sir, a plague on your house. You clearly didn't spend your teen years living in the video store. She played the Daughter of Bruce Willis in The Last Boy Scout, she was in Halloween 4 and 5, Don't tell mom the babysitters dead... Really, what the hell is wrong with you???

Anyway Stake Land is a bleak apocalyptic film in which Humans hide in fear of Vampires as they spread through the country like a zombie plague. You follow a group of survivors as they make their way across the bleak landscape running into pockets of humaninty and crazy religious sects, all the while trying to survive the vampire menace. It's an outstanding low budget film and proves that America can still make a good horror film.

6. Martyrs (2008)

This is quite possibly the greatest and most disturbing horror film ever. I actually had to sit for a 10 minutes after the film ended to collect myself. It may have been longer. I genuinely have no idea, but it was a while. This film made me run out and spend lots of money on French horror films. Seriously I can't speak highly enough of this film.

Without ruining anything, a girl who had some horrible things done to her as a child attempts to find the people who brutally tortured her as a child with the help of her friend. All I'll say about the rest of the film is that if you start watching it, no matter how harsh it gets, and it's fucking harsh, you have to watch it until the end. You won't regret it.

5. King of the Zombies (1941)

So it's a film about a Nazi scientist kidnapping people and turning them into voodoo zombies so he can steal war secrets. What you're not sold already, seriously. It's a classic old film, the highlight of which is the performance of Mantan Moreland who you may remember from the Charlie Chan movies. He is outstanding and manages to poke fun at his ridiculous stereotyping. He makes this film great, even better is the fact that you can watch it online for free here... http://www.archive.org/details/King_of_the_Zombies.

4. Ils (Them) (2006)

Many of you have probably managed to catch this, I watched it a few years ago but only recently bought it. Another outstanding french horror film in which a woman and her husband are terrorised by a group of hooded youths. I watched this after Eden Lake which is another great film that roughly follows the same idea, I think it kind of blighted me against this the first time round. Recently I've come to appreciate it a lot more. It is terrifying and makes me happy I don't live in the bloody country... Full of maniacs apparently.

3. Wake Wood (2011)

This is the first of the recent Hammer Horror films which actually feels like a classic Hammer film. It's eerily reminiscent of films like The Wicker Man, and other british classics. A year after the death of their child Aidan Gillan and Eva Birthistle move to a village, it's the classic set up as they realise all is not well in the village. Timothy Spall is amazing as the creepy Arthur, who seems to have a strange hold on the village. Yeah I'm trying not to give too much away, as I want you to go out and buy the damn film. It's an awesome creepy ass film worthy of being a Hammer Horror.

2. Frontier(s) (2007)

What another french film James, are you fucking shitting us. No, I'm not and you wanna know why. Nazi fucking cannibals. For times when being a Cannibal just isn't nasty enough. Fuck yeah. A group of bank robbers organise to meet up in a country hostle in the middle of nowhere after a job goes horrifically wrong. Unfortunately for them it kind of all goes even worse from there. They really don't get a fucking break these bank robbers. Again with the french films it's brutal as all hell, like there must be something in the water there or something cause they make some fucked up films.

1. Rammbock :Berlin Undead AKA Siege of the Dead (2010)

This time it's a German film, proving that you don't have be made in France for me to buy your damned film. This is the rather awesome story of Michael, who heads in to Berlin to try and patch up things with his ex girlfriend. Unfortunately for him this just so happens to coincide with a bloody zombie outbreak in the city. He ends up getting stuck in his ex girlfriends flat with a young plumber called Harper. Damn.

The film focuses on the survivors trying to communicate and help out other people who all live in the same block but can't get out their flats. It's a very clever and effective film which like all the films on this list is well worth a watch. So go out and fucking watch them already. By the time your done I may have even had enough time to get off my fat ass and do another blog.

Super 8

Director:
J.J. Abrams
Starring:
Elle Fanning
Kyle Chandler
Joel Courtney
Remember back in the day when you'd go to see films like Gremlins or the Goonies, great films that had some kids go on some crazy adventure. Wait... you don't... Eh, okay. Aracnophobia... Jurassic Park... You know the kind of films I mean though right ????

This is one of those films. I wasn't expecting much from the trailer, but fuck me this is one of the best films released this summer. I don't know if it's just the nostalgia of it all, reminding me of going to Livingston cinema every weekend while my mum went shopping but this film is everything that got me into films when I was a kid. It's got a big ass monster, the military coming into a small town, and kids going on a crazy adventure.

The acting is outstanding, it's filled with great character actors. The kids performances are outstanding and they're actually kids. Not some fucking 25 year old masquerading as a teenager.

And the most important thing about this film, it's not in 3D, it's not a shitty adaptation of a book or comic or cartoon or rollercoaster ride, it's not a sequel, it's an actual original film. Okay it's a homage to a lot of the crap I loved in the 80's but this is a film that was written to be a film. How often does that happen these days. This summer how often have you been to the cinema to see an original action film that doesn't already have a fanbase. I can't actually remember the last time I saw one. Let alone the last time I enjoyed a film as much as this. I'd love to hate J.J. Abrams, but the guy can make a fucking good film.

Transformers: Dark of the moon

Director
Michael Bay
Starring
Shia LaBeouf
John Turturro
Frances McDormand
John Malkovich

A few years back I went to the cinema to watch the first transformers film and I loved it. So much that I even went to see it twice, which isn't that unusual for me. Then the weirdest thing happened when I got it on dvd... It was fucking awful. Not just bad but so bad I didn't believe it was the same film. So I never went to see the second one in the cinema, I waited for the dvd, I couldn't even make it to the end of the film it was so bad. So when the new one came out I decided that I had to see it in the cinema.

Transformers: Dark of the moon could possibly be the worst film I have ever seen in the cinema, this is coming from a guy who saw Dick Tracy there. Nothing in this film makes sense. It just falls deeper into the plot holes it creates for itself. If you're a fan of time, then you're fucked because there is no such thing as time in transformers 3, things happen randomly whenever Michael Bay decides they need to, regardless of the laws of physics.

Speaking of things that randomly happen when did it become okay to to have random things constantly  happen throughout a film. There is literally a scene where 2 characters are right next to each other then in under a minute one of those characters in a situation of jeopardy without any set up whatsoever.

This film is so annoying, I really wanted to enjoy it, but I only came close to enjoying it once and it was ruined by some random shit that didn't make sense. Seriously there's leaving your brain at the door before you walk in and then there's posting it second class to an island off the coast of Fiji. I enjoy dumb films but this one really takes the piss. People mocked the Green Lantern film for the hot wheels moment but at least they set it up earlier in the film, it wasn't like it was randomly pulled out of mid air.

Michael Bay decided to make this film by having a big emotional speech, big action sequence then straight onto the next big speech and big action sequence without setting anything up for it. It was like watching a storyboard.

Films like this really piss me off. I enjoy big dumb blockbuster films but I had to force myself not to walk out midway through the film. Oh and for all you people out there who are like "What the fuck are you talking about, it was awesome", wait a couple of years, watch it at home and I guarantee that you will spend half your time wondering if you put the wrong film in the DVD player. Fucking horrific.

Norwegian Ninja

Director
Thomas Cappelen Malling
Starring
Mads Ousdal
Jon Øigarden
Trond-Viggo Torgersen

Another amazing film from Norway, what the hells going on out there ? You have Dead Snow, The Troll Hunter, Cold Prey and now Norwegian Ninja. All of which have been pretty damned awesome.

Norwegian Ninja could be one of the best film premises I've ever heard. It's based on a real guy, Arne Treholt, who was imprisoned for selling country secrets to the Russians during the cold war. But this film states that he was actually heading up a team of highly trained ninjas who work to save Norway during the cold war. Their island is guarded by Feng shui and you have many steps to reach enlightenment. FUCKING AWESOME.

The film looks like it just came out the 80's, like it's a documentary on the ninja's and their continuing mission to save Norway through any means necessary. During the big scenes with explosions it resembles Thunderbirds which only adds to how awesome the film is. You see a puff of smoke then a ninja will appear, Arne has strange almost jedi powers which happen so casually at times you could miss them.

I can't say enough how funny this film is, from it's premise down to the perfect execution. There's not much in this film that doesn't work. I suppose you could easily lump it in with the recent spate of grindhouse style films as it is clearly is trying to get back to the eighties but that could be doing it a disservice. Just watch the damned film, personally I can't get enough of those Norwegian ninja's.

RUBBER

Director
Quentin Dupieux
Starring
Stephen Spinella
Roxane Mesquida
Wings Hauser

Everything about this film from the box to the premise made me so excited I nearly couldn't get the dvd out the box. A film about a killer tyre, what could go wrong ?.... Well it's hard to pin point but something went wrong somewhere, bugger knows where though.

So it's an arty concept film that goes between concept film, to horror, to black comedy then back again, and  I think that may be the problem I had with it. When you start getting into the comedy it turns into arty concept killer tyre movie, then you get into that and it goes into horror, then you go off to see some people watching the film getting made and they're saying how none of it makes sense, then it's back to something funny.

I mean don't get me wrong the whole point is that nothing in a film needs a reason to happen, or in fact to make any sense at all. There's no explanation for Robert (the tyre) to come alive and you don't need it. But then you have a guy bringing someone poisoned food and then eating it himself, it kind of goes a little too far. David Lynch has been making films that go off on crazy tangents for no apparent reason for years and I can still watch and enjoy them.

I guess ultimately I just left this film feeling a little like it was a wasted opportunity, it's so well shot, and you actually feel some empathy for the tyre. The funny bits had me laughing my ass off. A Sheriff talking dirty to a tyre through a speaker tied around a dummies neck could be one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I guess I just expect more from my killer tyre movies.

World of the Dead: Zombie Diaries 2

Directors
Michael Bartlett
Kevin Gates
Starring
Philip Brodie 
Alix Wilton Regan
Rob Oldfield
I enjoyed the first Zombie Diaries, it was flawed as many zombie films are but ultimately with the exception of the shitty ending it was okay. This however was a big pile of shit. Don't get me wrong, some things in the film work really well. I just can't get over the fact that some guy can't stop filming while his friends get done in. I mean they even allow a civilian they've just met (Leeann from the first film this time played by Alix Wilton Regan) to run around with a shotgun while the military trained Jonesy films everything.

To give you an idea of how frustrating the film is, within the first 5 minutes a guy is giving his kid a birthday cake, it's mid zombie infestation and their worried their daughter is gonna start noticing somethings went awry. So when he hears a noise outside during the zombie infestation clearly he goes outside with a little fucking torch to find out where the noise is coming from. It's almost as if he wants both himself, wife and child to die. And that's just the start of the stupid shit going on.

The main door in a military compound is opened allowing zombies in, though I don't really understand why a military compound would have a) such a flimsy lock easily opened without making any noise and b) why the hell a military compound wouldn't have a lookout of some kind during a zombie infestation.

The film even features a moment in which the military guys are being chased by bandits with guns in the dark, the guy with the camera actually puts the cameras light on thereby giving away their position to the bandits chasing them with semi automatic weapons. What the fuck. It's the sheer stupidity of the film that get's in the way of the story. Which could be good.

I can't help but think this would have been better if it was filmed as an actual proper film rather than a video diary. You can make a good zombie film on a low budget, the recent German film Siege of the Dead is an outstanding example of this. Hell even the first zombie diaries is an example of this. This film just has far too many frustrating moments which ultimately ruin your enjoyment of the film.