Top ten fake band film list

So this is a list of films made about fake bands... Some of them may have turned into bands after the films were made, creating some kind of crazy doctor Frankenstein hybrid of rock, but I'm doing another list of actual biopic style films on real bands in a minute so bear with me. Oh and I may have missed some of your favourites out. This is either because I haven't seen them, or I don't think they're as good as the ones I've put in here. That's a polite way of me telling you to shut the fuck up and quit yer moaning.

10: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007)

John C. Reillys career has been kind of strange. He went from films like Magnolia and Hoffa to this. It's a strange transition, isn't it meant to go the other way. Like Tom Hanks started with Big and then went onto more serious films. Though it does rain frogs in Magnolia so maybe he was a comic genius all along. Anyway this was the first film in which he was the main star, and it's awesome. Even if it's just for Jack White appearing as the most memorable Elvis ever.

It mocks Walk the Line and Ray but manages to do it in a non Wayans brothers annoying as fuck way. Amazingly funny with many funny moments. Even just for his fall into drugs, being threatened by Elvis and getting high with the Beatles. Awesome.

9: A Mighty Wind (2003)

Christopher Guest makes awesome film shocker. Okay so everything the guy touches just seems to be made of comedy gold. Even his cameo in Little shop of horrors or his outstanding performance in The Princess Bride show this guy nows what films to get involved in. This is the rather awesome story, when a famous folk record producer dies, his kids put on atribute show with some of his favourite bands.

As you would expect from this troup of actors the film has you laughing like a crazy person for the whole thing. All the bickering in the bands manages to be believable as do some of their rather outlandish stories. There isn't a bad performance in this. If you haven't seen it you really should, even if it's just for Spinal Tap as the Folksmen.Yeah that's right, Spinal Tap go folk. Fucking genuis.

8: Almost Famous (2000)

This list is a lot harder than I originally expected, therefore this rather awesome Cameron Crowe film only makes number 8. I love this film, life on the road in the seventies based on numerous things witnessed by Cameron Crowe when he was just a wee yin. It manages to not get too sentimental and shows the crazyness of the time in an endearing way. Which isn't the easiest thing to do.

The film follows Stillwater as they try to hit the big time, but don't quite get there. They are followed around the country by a young journalist played by Patrcik Fugit. Eventually seeing him as one of them and not the enemy (journalists). It's funny, and has genuinely heartwarming moments. But it's a film from Cameron Crowe, if you don't know what your getting into then it's best not to watch something this good. You fucking moron.

7: Airheads (1994) Bill and Ted (1989, 1991)

You may be wondering why I put these films together. The reason I have done this is because 1. They are awesome and 2. they don't really have a whole lot of music going on. I mean they're about bands but you don't get to see them play music that often. They're more stories about bands doing stupid things and making us laugh. Yeah it may not sound like the best logic but it's good enough justification for me.

In Airheads the Lone Rangers break into a radio station and hold the stations personel hostage in an attempt to get played on the radio. Bill and Ted feature the two protagonists going on crazy adventures, one that leads them back in time, the other ends up with them playing Death at Battleships. When I recently played battleships with my wife I felt the need to do a death impersonation everytime one of my ships was destroyed. I'm still married. Go figure.

6: Rock Star (2001)

I am a huge fan of rock and metal from the eigthies, this is a great account of a lot of that crazyness. Inspired by the real life story of the guy who was in a Judas Priest tribute band that became the singer of the band after the departure of Rob Halford. I would say the guys name but it's fucking ridiculous. Mark Wahlberg is alarmingly good in this. It's easy to forget he can actually act, I blame it on his mouth. There's just something not quite right with his mouth. Like Gordon Brown... But he makes good films, if you forget about Max Payne and Planet of the Apes, why Tim Burton, why???

Anyway it follows Izzys life as he is thrown into fame and all the dodgyness that surrounds it. As usual with these kind of films it charts both his rise and fall. It has a good ending though and doesn't feel the need to have him in junked up in a hotel room having just died from autoerotic asphyxia. Awesome performances from all the back up cast including the Zack Wylde who seems to be playing a cross between himself and Ted Nugent. If that isn't a reason to watch the damned film I don't know what is.

5: That Thing You Do (1996)

Tom Hanks, what a cunt. Seriously though the guy can be make you laugh or make you cry and now the dick can direct too. Fucking bastard. This film is a nostalgic look at the music business in the sixties. Giovanni Ribisi breaks his arm before his bands gig and they get in Tom Everitt Scott to replace him. The fusion creates the band the Wonders (well the Oneders to begin with) and they go on to have a hit single.

The film follows them as they go through the ups and downs of life in the lime light but not in the drug fuelled drink fest route a large number of these films tend to go down. It does show how cut throat the industry is but does it with plenty of joy in it's heart. You will leave this film feeling happy, and if you watch it till the end you find out that the bass players name in the credits is T. B. Player. Not even worthy of a name. I bet a lot of bassists feel that way.

4: The Commitments (1991)

 

This film is responsible for a lot of people getting into classic soul music. This is in no way a bad thing. It's the truly awesome film of a soul band in Ireland created by Jimmy Rabbitte who has dreams of managing the worlds greatest band. They get together, make some great music and inevitably explode as the egos struggle to fit on the same stage together. 

If you haven't seen this film you've probably spent your whole life living in a cave. The band still do gigs around the country but unfortunately, as actors, the stars from the band pretty much dissapeared. Popping up in small roles now and then. One of them died in the Phantom Menace.  The main exception of that is the ginger guitarist who is a huge recording artist in Ireland and made the rather awesome Once. Speaking of Once.

3: Once (2006)

I find it hard to put into words just how much I love this film. The songs are amazing, and Glen Hansards voice gives me goosebumps everytime I hear it. The film is basically a love story that develops between two people who make awesome music together. The film feels natural and nothing about it comes across as forced. The relationship plays out the way real relationships do. At no point does some hollywood fuckhead come along and tell them how to sell it to the masses.

So basically the two become friends through music, after she sees him busking and he promises to fix her vacuum cleaner. They get another couple of buskers and make a demo together. There's no suddenly they become famous added on the end to make you feel better. You know the if you believe in it then it will happen bollocks kids are sold by disney and TV shows. If you haven't seen this film, you really should get a hold of it. You won't be dissapointed.

2: This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

As far as mockumentaries go this is the fucking daddy. The only thing you're allowed to be shocked with is that this is only number 2 on this list. The songs are awesome, and make you snort liquid out your nose. The onstage personas are believable in their stupidity. Most importantly it doesn't at any point succumb to stereotypes. The band are dumb, and they are dumb througout. They really don't have a clue. This could possibly be one of the most quoted films of all time. If you go into any dressing room and see they have small bread then I bet you everything I own that someone will mention Spinal Tap.

Come on turn it up to 11, that's become standard talk for guitarists all over the world. Much to most sound engineers dismay. This is the bible of mistakes made by bands. I have no favourite scene in this film becasue everytime I think of one I remember another one, and another one, and on and on and on and on until I'm quoting the whole film as my favourite bit.

1: The Blues Brothers (1980)

Now I bet some of you spat in disgust all over your monitor when you saw This Is Spinal Tap at number 2. Until you saw what I put at number one right? Awesome. Beginning life as a Saturday Night Live sketch The Blues Brothers went on to become on of the greatest films of all time. Just ignore the sequel, that never happened, just remember the good times. Staying up to watch the film on TV regardless of how late it was on, and finding it hard not to dance around the living room. This is a film that just fills you with crazy happiness. Unlike the film Happiness which although awesome doesn't really live up to it's name.

It's sad that John Belushi died a couple of years after making this, I like to think this is a film that could have easily turned into a series of films. Each more madcapped than the last. It was the eighties, they did it well back then. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my little list. If you dissaprove of this list in any way then please feel free to fuck off. I'm lovely really.

The Troll Hunter

2010
Director
André Øvredal
Starring
Otto Jespersen
Glenn Erland Tosterud
Hans Morten Hansen
Johanna Mørck

The Troll Hunter is a rather outstanding mockumentary set and made in Norway. A group of students try to make a film about someone they believe is killing bears illegally. After following for some time they discover that he is in fact hunting down Trolls. Yes big fucking Trolls.

Throughout the film they discover that Trolls have been living in Norway for thousands of years. Hans works for the government keeping them under control. If the Trolls manage to escape from their designated areas he's sent in to kill them before they can be discovered. There's rather amusing footage of government officials trying to cover up the resulting destruction and deaths. As the film crew get in deeper they begin to realise they are in danger from both the government and Trolls.

The film manages to play with the idea of Trolls living in real society and actually makes it believable that these creatures could be living in and around certain areas in Norway, with the government working hard to cover up the mess behind them. It creates a society for the creatures and manages to create new myths around them, whilst playing with known myths from classic fairy tales.

It's very well made, though it is reminiscent of The Blair Witch Project at times due to a large amount of time being set in a forest, that's where the comparison ends. Mainly due to the fact that this film is actually very enjoyable and has some outstanding special effects. It doesn't rely on noises and snot to get your pulse racing, or make you want to give the girl a tissue. Seriously though wipe your fucking nose woman.

It manages to be funny, and has great moments of suspense and the trolls themselves are believable, with the different breeds of troll manage to be distinguishable from each other. The only down point I would say about it is that the film crew can at times be annoying. Hans however is an awesome character and he'll bring me back to watching it again and again. So get a hold of it when it comes out on dvd. One of the best films I've seen in a while.

Salvage

2009
Director
Lawrence Gough
Starring
Neve McIntosh
Shaun Dooley
Linzey Cocker
Dean Andrews

Next up on the list of low budget British horror films made in the last few years is Salvage. It's the big screen debut from Lawrence Gough and stars Gormenghasts Neve McIntosh (Beth) and Red Ridings Shaun Dooley (Kieran) in the main roles. Yes, these low budget British affairs are generally filled with TV actors, but if they're willing to take a punt at something I'm with them.

Fun fact number 7,300,297 is that this was filmed in the same cul de sac they shot brookside on. I do generally wish they'd actually shot brookside out a canon but for some reason people love that crap. Apart from Anna Friel kissing a woman I can't remember much else about it, wait didn't someone bury their husband under a patio or something... Bloody soap operas, oh the fucking drama.

Where was I, oh yeah it's a fucking film. So in the film a container is found off the coast, things start to go weird pretty much from then on. It's part inspired by the real-life beaching of the container ship MSC Napoli off Branscombe Beach in Devon in 2007 apparently and you can see why. All these people clambering to get at crap when they have no idea what the hell is in the containers seems a little odd to me. But this film clearly puts those fears into 'yes, the worst did happen and now your all fucked'.

It starts with a wee paperboy delivering, well newspapers. He's hardly going to be delivering aids is he. It appears he doesn't have to dodge lawnmowers or Grannies jumping infront of him either. Anyway he comes across a couple arguing and being a nosy little shit has a good look. He gets chased from the guy inside, and runs like a bastard. Unfortunately for him he runs right into getting done in by some unseen entity. Well it's a guy with a big stick but you don't see him so that sounds far creepier.

So the rather awesome Dean Richards is driving his daughter to her mums (Bethh) so she can spend Christmas with her. She really doesn't want to though as apparently her mums a bit of a cunt. Later in the film you find out she left them to persue a career. Jodie (the daughter) clearly resents her, and it seems she'd rather spend time in some torture device made by Jigsaw than spend any time with her mum. But it's not like Neve McIntosh is playing the same bitch she played in BBCs Single father surely. I guess it doesn't help that when she arrives her mum is humping Kieran, an apparently married man she met in a bar the night before. Classy.

So Jodie runs off to her friends house across the street. It's about now the shit starts to hit the fan. An asian man thats covered in blood gets done in by some army types which leads Kieran to believe that's he obviously a terrorist, fucking moron. Anyway the army arrive and tell everyone to stay indoors, helicopters and everything. Some shit is going down.

So starts Beth trying to get a hold of her daughter who's just across the street but she could as well be in Dubai with the army presence around the area. This is basically the next hour or so of the film. It's very claustraphobic and at no point during this time do you find out what's actually going on. The paranoia level keeps getting raised for the people stuck indoors. It's very well done, things keep happening outside which keep raising the threat level for them more and more.

It's usual for me to start going into things at this point with the kind of detail you'd get if a five year old started talking about the artistic significance of Dali's Persistence of Memory, but I genuinely feel that this would possibly ruin moments of the film that would otherwise have you gripped. There are no moments which aren't huge to the storyline so in an effort not to ruin the film I will shut my big giant mouth up. And you now how hard that is for me. So go watch and enjoy, you won't regret it.

Man Movie Day

So yeah, I'm bloody late with this again. This time however I have a damn fine excuse. I spent Saturday getting drunk and watching films... Man films. "What is a man film ?" I hear you ask. Well a man film is the kind of film your girlfriend/wife generally has no interest in watching. Don't get me wrong, I know some girls out there like man films as much as I do, but the general rule is that if you ask you're partner to watch Commando. She looks like you just asked her if you could butt fuck her mum in French.

So day began at 11. To ensure I was in the right frame of mind for my day of man film goodness I watched some MMA before I left the house. So I was ready for some crazy fighting man movie related crazyness.

First up Pathfinder, the rather awesome film starring future Judge Dredd, Karl Urban. The only problem I have with this film is that we were watching it on a hd tv with a blu ray player.So it made this and most of the other films look like a mexican soap opera. It made a couple of the effects look especially bad but ultimately this film is fucking awesome.

Karl Urban plays Ghost, a viking who has been brought up by a Native American tribe after they found him as a boy on a wrecked ship. Vikings arrive when he's all grown up 15 or 30 years later. I say 15 or 30 years because at the start of the film they say it's been 15 years then later someone says it was 30 years. Cunts. Clancy Brown plays the big fucking Viking guy who is hell bent on tearing the land apart so all his viking buddies can take over the land.

It's an awesome film, and is one of the many films that didn't do too well in the cinema but kicked ass in the dvd market. This is often the case for action films, hence why so many awesome action films are made just for the dvd market. If you haven't seen this film then stop being such a dick and buy the fucker.

It's not even 13:00 and we're already one film down, the chilli is on and we're currently drinking fanta. A note to anyone doing this, if you start drinking too early you may not make it through the day. You don't want to have a mid afternoon snooze and miss some awesome action. Have people draw on you, and if everyone's drunk there's always the posibility you may end up naked in the back garden so pace yourself people.

Next up is Taxi, not the shitty American remake with Queen Latifah and Jimmy fucking Fallon, but the original awesome french film. Yeah you heard it, we're watching a French film on Man Movie Day. But lets face it, Luc Besson has been producing some great action films lately. This is the first of 3 for the day, and they're all set in france.

The film follows an ex pizza delivery guy Daniel, becoming a crazy taxi driver, and getting caught up in Emiliens police investigation. A troop of Germans are busy robbing banks and Emilien is fucking useless. It's funny and has some awesome car chase sequences through Marsielle. If you have only suffered the American fuck up then you should watch it. There's four of the fuckers now and they're all awesome.

It hits 14:30 and I need to go get the wife, 30 minutes later and I'm back. This time with a blu ray, not the wife, it's man movie day you fucking moron. There's only so much crappy looking awesome I can take without the aid of booze. So a blu ray was very much called for. But it'll have to wait because we've just put on Big Trouble in Little China.

Jack Burton says... anything he fucking wants because he's one of the best characters to appear on film, ever. He's so shit at everything and spends most of the film fucking up but you love the fucker for it. Kurt Russell as usual is amazing as the crap hero. Kurt Russell and John Carpenter make great films together. There's isn't one of them I couldn't put on right now and love.

Kim Cattrall is pretty awful in it though, it's no Mannequin or Split Second for her, but it was the eighties and she wasn't an old slut yet. Hell I even kind of thought she was hot back then, especially in Star Trek. Which lets face it is a world of fucking wrong. You all know what the film is about, it's just about awesome. There's no other way to describe it. It constantly appears in my greatest films ever made list. Fuck the Godfather, Jack Burtons on.

Time for blu ray goodness with From Paris with Love, I remember seeing the poster for this and thinking it looked shit. It has to be one of the best action films made in the last few years. I even put it in my top ten action films of the last decade if you remember that hell at the end of last year.

John Travolta is fucking awesome in this film, how often can you say that these days. He plays a crazy spy who comes to france to kick some ass with the aid of his new partner Henry VIII, sorry i mean Jonathan Rhys Meyers. He's the personal aid to the US Ambassador. It's the second awesome Luc Besson produced film of the day. Don't worry a Transporter film isn't the last one. Though I do enjoy watching Jason Statham kick the fuck out of people.



Now were full flow manlyness, yeah it's a word. Eating some hot fucking chilli with crazy Dave chilli sauce. It's hot enough to blow your asshole off. Seriously. I had a tiny wee dab on my tounge and I felt it for the next hour. Pure mentalness, made of good.

Fifth film up, I think it's the fifth.... Yeah it's definitely the fifth film of the day. I'm losing it, the chilli is finished and the beer is well and truly flowing. I guess it's time to watch Liam Neeson beat the fuck out of some people in Taken. Holy fucking shit this film is so good if I wasn't married already I'd do a weird science, turn it into a woman and fuck it.

It's fucking orgasmic, not a word of a lie. This is the third Luc Besson produced film of the day. Liam Neeson plays an ex special forces operative who's daughter gets kidnapped in France. The scene where she is taken is brutal, just the moment when he tells her she's going to be taken gives me goosebumps. This film could easily have just been your average run of the mill action espionage film, but Liam Neeson makes it so much more.

The acting throughout the film is just perfect, you completely believe in the characters. Apparently they're making a sequel. I can't wait. I hope it brings in his old unit. They appear in the film for a while at a barbeque and he goes on a job with them protecting Holly Valance. Just putting my two cents in there. And yes, even Holly Valance can't ruin this film.

Next up was the shock package of the day. I'd bought Blood and Bone in Tesco a couple of days before and thought it looked pretty good for £4. Fuck me was it good. Michael Jai White plays and ex con who gets involved in an underground fighting circuit. Yeah it's a film that's been made many times before but the fight. This film however brings in a few MMa guys like Kimbo Slice and also has some of the best martial arts fight scenes I've seen in a long time.

I have no idea where the hell Michael Jai White has been hiding, he pops up now and then. He was in Spawn and Universal Soldier: The Return but he is every inch an action star. And thats a lot of fucking inches. Considering I bought this on a whim it was fucking spectacular. Again, not the storyline, some of the acting isn't great but the action in the film is just awesome. At one point he jumps up and kicks four guys before he hits the ground. Four fucking guys.... Awesome.


You often watch these films and the guys just stand there waiting to be hit while the main actor poses and gives some cheesy awesome line before he kicks the guy in the face. Not in this, it actually looks like a proper fight, not a saturday night in Glasgow, guys falling on each other kind of fight. But it looks like the other guy is fighting back. Go watch this film. Michael Jai White needs to get big so he can be Luke Cage and we can see Black Dynamite 2. Speaking of Black Dynamite.

DYNAMITE... DYNAMITE... Oh yeah, you can't have a man movie night without the meanest motherfucker the world ever did see. Black Dynamite is one of the funniest films I've ever had the fortune to watch. I love Blaxploitation films and a lot of the pulp fiction around from that time. This film isn't some Scary movie esque mockery but a full on respectful affair which just plays up a lot of things which actually happened on low budget affairs like Black Samurai and Blacula. Two of my personal favourites from that time.

If you haven't seen it or for some reason didn't quite get it then your a fucking moron. If you've only just heard about it recently then your a fucking moron. The moment this film was completed the world changed forever. I may be over emphasising it a bit but get your friends together with some beers and watch this film. if anyone doesn't laugh then they're probably dead. Don't bother going to the doctors to check the diagnosis. Just bury the fucker in your back garden. Kicking and screaming is usual, that's why you have coffins.

It's coming close to midnight and my beer has all gone. Normally this would bring about the end of the evening but we said fuck it and put on Army of Darkness. See I told you we had a film day of awesomeness. I know I say awesome a lot but this day was made for a word like that. I brought the majority of the films down so you'd have to worry if I didn't like them. The films we never got round to watching were, The Last Boy Scout, Beverly Hills Cop, Cliffhanger, The Thing and Outlander. So it was never going to be a shit day of films.

Anyway Army of Darkness is the amazing third part of the Evil Dead Trilogy. A film series which still has to be one of the best trilogys ever to be pushed out of the statue of libertys vagina. I manage to make it halfway through before my body gives up. Damn going out the night before, ruining my enjoyment of man movie night. Eventually I had to give in and walk home, just as Ash had fucked up getting the Necronomicon. Bugger.

Next weeek I'll be back to the regularly scheduled programme... See you then.

Colin

2008
Director
Marc Price
Starring
Alastair Kirton
Daisy Aitkens

With the recent demise of the UK film council things are looking bleak for the UK film industry. I'm not going to go into any political rantings or anything here don't worry, but let's face it. Things are going to be fucking harsh over the next few years as the money dries up. With that in mind I am going to go over some small budget horror films that seem to have been popping up all over the place lately. Some of them have had the help of the UK film council, some haven't. I was going to do just non UK film council funded films but that was virtually impossible. Again, it's going to be a hard few years without them.

British horror is in an alarmingly good place right now. With directors like Christopher Smith, and Neil Marshall, not forgetting the re-emergance of Hammer, things could be a lot worse for a horror fan. First up for your pleasure I shall be reviewing Colin. For those of you who haven't heard of it, this is a zombie film which had the ludicrously small budget of £45, did remarkably well and was even shown at Cannes.

The film is in no way without flaws, at times the lack of budget really hampers your viewing pleasure which I will go on about later. The reason this film is good though is because it doesn't follow the usual zombie film by numbers route. Colin gets bitten at the very start of the film, it then follows him as a zombie. Seeing how it affects members of his family who have been searching for him, and how the world is affected by the outbreak through the zombies eyes. It's a very interesting premise that is very well executed here.

Anyway the films started, Colin is washing the blood off his hand in his kitchen. He has a hammer which is also covered in blood so it looks like he got some good zombie bashing done before the cunt got a hold of him. The acting is pretty solid, which you wouldn't expect from a film with a budget as small as this. I've seen worse in that new series Outcasts, but the less said about that the better really. Bastard, yeah I just jumped. Fucking zombies scare the shit out of me.

 

Colin is now officially one of the undead, and he's stuck in his house. He can't open the door, he's a fucking zombie. Don't worry he just fell out the window so it's not like we have to worry about him just sitting in the house all the time. Imagine how dull it would be if he spent the whole film locked in a house. It'd be like Big Brother. I love the fact that in this film there are people having to escape the zombie horde all the time. Currently Colin is walking down the street and there are screams coming from a house as some woman trying to escape is hauled back inside, while a guy trying to escape in his bathrobe is totally brutalised. 

Bloody zombies everywhere... The bastards.There's no escape. A guy just ran past Colin with a shopping trolley and knocked him over, when he got up the expression on his face was awesome. This is in no way a comedy, it's bleak as all zombie films should be, but there are moments of pure comedy genuis. They aren't played up, Colin doesn't wink at the screen or anything but there are nuances in his performance that create outstanding moments. 

Just to clarify, although it has no budget the effects are good, I'm currently wincing from a rather gruesome moment of Colin getting his feed on. There are also some rather beautiful moments of people giving up, allowing the zombies to take them. I mean there are morons in the film too, a woman just tried to hold a zombie back with a small flimsy piece of plastic but those people deserve to die. Fucking idiots. Let's face it if there is a Zombie infestation, and you end up in a party with someone who tries to hold zombies back using a thin piece of plastic, you'd trip them up and give yourself more time to get away. Not being a cunt or anything but they're going to get you killed eventually so you may as well get them first.

Anyway, a couple of guys have spotted Colin and have decided they want his shoes. So they jump him, hold him down and try to grab them. Again, fucking morons. This time however Colin is saved by his sister, who happens upon him as the guys fail miserably to take his shoes off. He bites her for her troubles too, the ungrateful zombie prick. But that's a zombie for you. Stupid bitch, what the hell was she thinking. It's the classic 'one of your loved ones is a zombie' scenario though. That's why I'll be killing all mine... Just kidding... maybe. 

The next part is probably my favourite part of the film, for pure stupidity. A young boy has decided to do a film documentary on how his family have survived the zombie invasion, by letting lots of zombies into his house. Oh you people are all just determined to get your loved ones killed aren't you. Like the scene in Flight of the Undead where the awesome golf guy get's done in because his wife decides to run after him through a mass of zombies and he comes back to rescue her. Sorry but she deserves to die and you just got yourself killed dickhead. Even if the guy from "Hardball" is in the film, he can't save you. What??? Yeah I digress... You'd be disapointed if I didn't so shut the hell up.

These people are well and truly fucked. The living room is filled with zombies and they're desperately trying to hold them off with pots and pans. Seriously people, keep better fucking weapons in your house. A hammer, a baseball/cricket bat. anythings better than a cheap ass frying pan. They're even using an umbrella, morons. One of them actually manages to get away though, not for long though because she's managed to bump into a guy who's clearly a mental. He locks her in a basement with a bunch of (you guessed it) zombies. Colin has fallen down a hatch so he's also in the room.

Yeah things aren't going well for her, but then again she did allow herself to be locked in a basement by some random stranger. The crazy bastard has removed all the zombies eyes too so you never know she may even make it out alive. Anyway this is one of the moments the film gets annoying, it's far too dark. You can't really tell what’s going on well enough. It's a pain in the ass, it sounds like something very interesting is going on but I couldn't really tell what it was. Maybe I'm just moaning but it bugs me everytime I watch the film.

So Colin walks past the guy who keeps all the zombies in the basement and gives him a very un-approving look, oh it doesn't look like she'll make it out alive after all because the old cunt has just thrown her ass back down into the basement just as she was about to escape. Damn.

Good old Colin has yet again managed to bump into his sister, who still hasn't turned into a zombie. That'll be that dramatic effect thing I spoke about in a previous blog. Well it is a zombie film after all and they use it so well. His sister Laura is determined to take Colin to see their mum for some reason. Maybe she wants her to die and doesn't want the guilt, maybe Colin was always the favourite and she just wants to rub it in. Probably not though right? So the mum gets to see Colin through a window and jumps at her, from the look on Lauras face I guess that wasn't part of the plan. Damn zombies, they just mess up everything.

While Colins locked in the room something very interesting seems to happening through the door, very interesting and muffled. I'm guessing the mum has killed herself having seen what's happened to her son but I'm not sure. They've just brought a body into the room with Colin so I'm sure we'll find out in a minute. And the winner is... Laura has finally turned into a zombie, so they've fucked her into the same room their other zombie family member. Collecting zombies is never going to end well, all I'm saying.

When zombie Laura finally wakes up she manages to get the door open and they both go off into the night. Nice of the family to let them loose on everyone instead of locking them in. Guess they don't think it's their problem anymore. Enter the usual idiotic vigilanties who decide to try to clean up their streets. Very noble, but lets face it I've seen this kind of film before, a large number of them will be killed and their numbers will dwindle until there's not enough of them left to do anything about the massing hordes. They don't fight well together and most of the time just get in each others way. Probably a realistic potrayal of this kind of moron.

Anyway I'm pretty sure you're growing tired of my ramblings about the film by now. It's not a film I could ruin because let's face it, he's already a fucking zombie. It's not like he can get turned into a zombie again and it doesn't have a big enough budget for him to turn into some crazy zombie hybrid that's going to try to kick Milla Jovovichs ass. Oh the depravity.

Ultimately this film, although flawed, is a good idea, done well for the money spent on it, and is in no way going to waste 90 minutes of your life. Don't go watching it expecting Night of the Living Dead or anything but I really enjoyed it. It's one of the better zombie films made lately. Another decent british zombie film you may want to check out is Devils Playground with Danny Dyer. Don't let him put you off though because it is alarmingly enjoyable. It is a bit of 28 days later but if you're a fan of zombie films you shouldn't be too dissapointed.

Next week... SALVAGE