Best Comedy films of the decade

10: DEATH TO SMOOCHY (2002)

Director
Danny DeVito
Starring
Robin Williams
Edward Norton
Catherine Keener
Danny DeVito

This film bombed at the box office and not many people have heard of it. Which is odd because it's bloody brilliant. Robin Williams is a kids TV host who gets fired when they find out he's taking bribes to let kids onto his show. He gets replaced by Smoochy (Ed Norton in a giant purple dinosaur costume) and spends the rest of the film attempting to sabotage the new show, hoping he'll get his back on the air.

By now you're probably sold and already looking for the film on amazon, and so you bloody should. The shocking thing about this film is how poorly it was received. Robin Williams won a Razzie award for it. Bizarre.

9: STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)

Director

Marc Forster 

Starring

Will Ferrell 

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Emma Thompson 

Tony Hale 

I think I have a problem. The next three films all star Will Ferrell, the guy just makes me laugh. I even enjoyed Land of the Lost, and here he is with a very hot Maggie Gyllenhaal, playing a guy who starts to hear a voice in his head. Unfortunately for him the voice is Emma Thompson and she's a writer who is currently writing a story which features him and his impending demise, even though she's completely unaware of his existence. Are you still with me ? It's kind of a hard film to describe without sounding like a mental. It's pure genius though.

8: ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGANDY (2004)

Director
Adam McKay
Starring
Will Ferrell
Christina Applegate
Paul Rudd
Steve Carell

If this film was just the newscasters fight scene, it still would have made it into the top ten. Every time I watch it I deafen my wife. So whether you love lamp or just wanna wear sex panther this film is for you. It's also the film which made me realise the comedy genius of Paul Rudd and Steve Carrell. The best thing Christina Applegate's ever been part of, with the possible exception of the Married with Children episode featuring Anthrax.

7: STEP BROTHERS (2008)

Director
Adam McKay
Starring
Will Ferrell
John C. Reilly
Mary Steenburgen
Richard Jenkins

The kid that sings Sweet Child of Mine is a creepy wee bastard. Other than that the films filled with awesome moments. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly play two forty year old men who act like kids and are thrust together when they're parents marry. I've made all kinds of noises watching this film. I'm off to do some activities and sing boats n hoes. The fucking Catalina wine mixer.

6: TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE (2004)

Director

Trey Parker 

Starring

Trey Parker 

Matt Stone 

I realise I'm kind of rushing through these, but I've just realised how much work I've given myself to finish these damned lists off and at this rate I'm still gonna be doing it in June. Time to call in Team America FUCK YEAH!

I went to see this for my friends birthday, I wasn't expecting much. South Park is funny and all, but the film didn't blow me away, or have me curled up in agonising pain from laughing so hard. This however did. I know I'm not alone in the fact that you never look at Kim Jong Il the same way again. Poor Matt Damon. See you said it in your head in the same voice he's given in this film. It happens everytime I see a poster with him on it, see his name in print or a film with him in it. Poor retarded bastard.

5: FOUR LIONS (2010)

Director 

Christopher Morris 

Starring

Kayvan Novak 

Riz Ahmed 

Only Chris Morris could make a comedy about terrorists and make it actually funny. The guys been making me laugh for years. This is the first time he's done a film and it's one of the most intelligent comedies I've seen. He manages not to fall into the terrorist stereotypes you see all the time from Hollywood at any point during the film and actually makes you care about the characters. It's a great achievement and as funny as anything Morris has worked on previously. Even the peadophile episode of The Day Today. It's really that funny.

4: ZOMBIELAND (2009)

Director
Ruben Fleischer

Starring

Jesse Eisenberg 

Woody Harrelson 

Emma Stone 

Abigail Breslin 

Last October you may have heard people talking about rules. Like rule number 2 "Double Tap", or rule 18 "Limber Up". If you have no idea what I'm talking about then where the hell have you been hiding. You only missed one of the funniest films of the decade you fucking moron. Yeah I said it. It's a comedy with zombies in it, What's not to like ?

And for those people who who didn't go to see it because you liked Shaun of the Dead, I would just like to remind you to do the world a favour and jump of a bridge you small minded ignoramus. It's people like you that make me want to buy a gun.

3: BUBBA HO-TEP (2002)

Director
Don Coscarelli
Starring
Bruce Campbell
Ossie Davis
Reggie Bannister

Yeah that's right Reggie fucking Bannister's in this film, and it was directed by Don Coscarelli, Phantasms Don Coscarelli. You can't get better than that. Add in Elvis and a black JFK living in an old folks home fighting a mummy and you have a fucking movie my friend. Oh and if you don't like Bruce Campbell, you're a fucking dick.

2: BLACK DYNAMITE (2009)

Director

Scott Sanders
Starring
Michael Jai White
Arsenio Hall
Kevin Chapman

I still have no idea how I found this film. I came across it, thought it looked ok,  and when a couple of friends came over I put it on thinking it would be background noise. Within minutes the talking had stopped and the laughing had begun. It didn't stop. DYNAMITE DYNAMITE. I didn't think a blaxploitation comedy could be better than I'm Gonna Get You Sucka but this totally blows it away. Fuck pimp of the year, this film is awesome and should have been huge. But it's a low budget movie and not many people have seen it. So go out and buy it.  Maybe we'll get a sequel and once again we can shout DYNAMITE DYNAMITE!

Who's interrupting my kung fu ?

1: SHAUN OF THE DEAD (2004)

Director

Edgar Wright
Starring
Simon Pegg
Kate Ashfield
Nick Frost
Lucy Davis

What else could be number one? Though I have to admit the first time I saw this I had nightmares. Fucking zombies. You've all seen it, so you all know it deserves to be here. I can't wait for Paul, and I'll queue up for anything Edgar Wright directs, he hasn't made a bad film yet. Hopefully Nick Frost, Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright will get together again to do another film in the future. Until then we always have this and Hot Fuzz. Made of awesome.

Best Drama films of the decade

So it's the end of the decade apparently, which means we can look back on the last 10 years, mock the crap and praise the good. To celebrate I've put together lists of some of my favourite films. I had to put them into genres otherwise it would have been a bloody nightmare to get all the stuff in.

Obviously some of you won't agree with my choices, but it's not like I just threw this up as an afterthought. I did research and everything. Now there's a worrying thought.

THE BEST 10 DRAMA FILMS OF THE DECADE

10: THE LOVELY BONES (2009)

Director
Peter Jackson
Starring
Saoirse Ronan
Mark Wahlberg
Rachel Weisz
Stanley Tucci

I don't care that a lot of people hated this film, I loved it. It's not the kind of film you'd put on for a Saturday night in with the wife, like "Hey honey let's watch the film about the peadophile with a bottle of red". It is however a really touching and moving film about a family torn apart by a tragedy.

Special shout out to Stanley Tucci and the art director who both did a phenomenal job. I can't really make jokes about this film. It's about a peadophile.

9: WAKING LIFE (2001)

Director

Richard Linklater
Starring
Julie Delpy
Ethan Hawke

Walking Life is kind of crazy and when I first got a hold of it, I'd never seen anything like it. The film was shot digitally and then animators came in and drew stylised lines and colours over each frame. It's breathtaking. The film follows no real storyline and like Linklaters' earlier film slackers is just a collage of different stories with a slight thread going between them.

An added bonus is the inclusion of Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke reprising their roles from the amazing Beyond Sunrise. Linklater would later use the same technique on the awesome A Scanner Darkly and yes, this is the same man that directed School of Rock and Bad News Bears.

8:  HOLLYWOODLAND (2006)

Director

Allen Coulter

Starring

Adrien Brody 

Diane Lane 

Ben Affleck 

Ben Affleck has had a mixed career. When he's good, he's very good, but when he's bad you want to rip your eyes out before your blinded by the giant cleft in his chin. In this he plays the jaded George Reeves (the man who played Superman in the old TV serials) in the years leading up to his death. Adrien Brody is the private investigator who tries to look a little further into his death as the film unfolds through a series of flashbacks.

In my favourite scene Ben Affleck is confronted by a child with a gun who doesn't think it'll hurt him because he's superman. It is by far his best acting performance. Fuck Good Will Hunting, but I have to admit he was the bomb in Phantoms.

7: CITY OF GOD (2002)

Director

Fernando Meirelles

Kátia Lund

Starring

Alexandre Rodrigues 

Leandro Firmino 

City of God is the rather terrifying story of gang culture in Brazil. It's been a few years since I sat down to watch it but it still sits with me. From the opening scene of an armed gang chasing a chicken through the streets leading Rocket to believe they're after him, it doesn't stop. If you haven't seen it or the following TV series City of Men (which was then made into a film) you need to get a hold of it. Zod demands it.

6: THE CONSTANT GARDENER (2005)

 

Director
Fernando Meirelles
Starring
Ralph Fiennes
Rachel Weisz
Danny Huston
Bill Nighy

The second film on the list for both Fernando Meirelles and Rachel Weisz. I forget how many good films she's been in. Probably something to do with the Mummy series. Anyway she plays a humanitarian who becomes involved with diplomat Justin Quayle played by Ralph Fiennes. After she is found dead and he begins to unravel some of the details he becomes determined to get to the bottom of her murder.

I can't believe this is the only Ralph Fiennes film on the drama list, he's one of the best actors working at the moment. We'll just forget about Clash of the Titans. FUCK YOU 3D.

5: ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004)

Director

Michel Gondry 

Starring

Jim Carrey 

Kate Winslet 

Elijah Wood 

Kirsten Dunst 

Oddly this is the only showing for Kate Winslet in this top ten, a fantastic performance from her as usual and an amazing one from Jim Carrey. He's one of those bastards that can do some serious acting and comedy. Kind of like Tom Hanks, the cunt. Sure not all his comedy films are funny and not all his serious films are any good but the guy continues to move easily from one to the other.

The film mainly takes place in the mind of Joel Barnish (Jim Carrey) as the memories of his former girlfriend are erased from his mind by the firm Lacuna Inc. It's a truly beautiful film about relationships, how we deal with the good times and the bad. If you haven't seen it, you need to. Even if it's just to see the many different hair colours of Kate Winslet. It's like Titanic never happened. Insert joke about Lacuna here.

4: BLACK SNAKE MOAN (2006)

Director

Craig Brewer 

Starring

Samuel L. Jackson 

Christina Ricci 

Justin Timberlake 

Justin Timberlake in a good film shocker. Actually I really enjoyed Southland Tales too but apparently I was the only one. To be honest Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci have been in their fair share of crap too. This film works though. Christina Ricci is a crazy nymphomaniac who's dumped on the side of the road and found by Samuel L. Jackson, a deeply religious farmer and awesome blues guitarist. He nurses her back to health, his techniques may be a little off the wall but they work for the crazy bitch.

Great movie... Bugger I've just realised I missed out Secretary and I bloody loved that. This doing a top ten thing is a cunt when you keep remembering films half way through. I'll be doing this next December at this rate. Fuck my balls. 

Bugger it, like Harold and Kumar I've come too far. Just so you know if I'd remembered about it before now it would have been in here. Damn. Just make it joint 4th... Can I do that. Hell I can do what the fuck I want. It's my blog. I'm not gonna write anything about it. Just check the fucker out. It's awesome and Maggie Gyllenhaal is hot.

3: GRAN TORINO (2008)

Director
Clint Eastwood
Starring
Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood is a Legend. From a bit part in Revenge of the Creature from the Black Lagoon he's become not only one of the best actors around, but also one of the best directors. I don't know how he does it but his films just keep getting better the older he gets. I went to see this in the cinema and I loved every minute of it. He plays a racist old guy who's sick and tired of his neighbourhood getting fucked over by gangs. When he starts protecting his neighbour from a local gang he becomes a hero, but also gets a lot of trouble coming his way.

There's a lot of films like this going around, but this is one of the best. Eastwood has said it's his last acting role which is a damn shame. I'll leave you with a line from the film that only Clint Eastwood could get away with. "Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here.""

2: HARRY BROWN (2009)

Director
Daniel Barber
Starring
Michael Caine
Emily Mortimer
David Bradley

Michael Caine has never won an oscar for a lead role. Seriously he's won for best supporting actor twice but never for a lead role. It's a travesty, not as much of a travesty as Jaws 4 but you get my point. In this his neighbourhood has fallen foul to a group of youths. After the death of a friend he takes it upon himself to clean it up.

It has a lot in common with Gran Torino and I think a lot of people ignored this film because of it. I prefer this though as it speaks to me more, living in a crappy neighbourhood in the UK myself. Obviously it's not as bad as the one depicted in the film but it's something I can relate to. The performances are amazing and it was only the directors first full length film. But lets face it if you're going to have anyone in your first movie, you may as well have Michael bloody Caine.

 1: THE BOY IN STRIPED PYJAMAS (2008)

Director

Mark Herman 

Starring

Asa Butterfield 

David Thewlis 

When I first saw this film I genuinely thought it was a kids film. By the end of it I was standing on my couch screaming at the TV. There's something about seeing the horror of a concentration camp through a child's eyes that made it more horrific for me. The relationship between the two boys is so believable and the performances throughout just blew me away. It's a film that stuck with me for a couple of days after I watched it, and that rarely happens.

Hope you enjoyed the list. There's more to follow over the next few days before I get back to the weekly reviews. As a wise man once said "Snootch to the motherfuckin nootch".

Top ten Christmas films

So this week I'm doing something a little different cause it's all like Christmas and that. This is a list of my top ten Christmas films, you may have realised this from the title of the blog, if you didn't then as usual move along you fucking moron.

So MY top ten Christmas films will no doubt be different than yours. There is no Miracle on 34th Street, Santa Claus the movie or It's a Wonderful Life. This is because I work with a man who has cerebral palsy and I have to watch Christmas films all year round. This has destroyed the above films for me. If I'd made this list a few years ago they'd all have been on it but ultimately now i wince everytime they come on like some horrific flashback to Christmas past.

One time, my parents moved the spider plant thing with jaggy leaves just behind the door of the living room to make space for the presents. They moved the leaves to my eye height and I bloody ran into the thing in my excitement so spent all Christmas morning looking at gifts through a watery eye dammit. Or the Christmas I spent all day building my Lego Medieval Castle only to have my dad drunkenly knock it over that night and destroy it. We all have those memories and they hit me everytime a bloody bell rings.

10: TRAPPED IN PARADISE

1994
Director
George Gallo

Starring
Nicolas Cage
Jon Lovitz
Dana Carvey
Mädchen Amick

Nicholas Cage is kind of like Christmas, you always expect something good but more often than not are left slightly dissapointed by the whole thing. This film however is awesome. He plays the older brother of bumbling criminals Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz. After unwittingly aiding them rob a bank on Christmas eve in Paradise, Pennsylvania. They get stuck there, have the locals take them in and help them out with gifts and other such Christmassy things.

It's the classic bad guys with a good heart, it'd could easily have turned into a crappy TV film but the performances are awesome and it's filled with funny moments. Kinda makes me wonder what the hell happened to Dana Carvey cause he was a funny little fucker.

9: JUST FRIENDS

2005
Director
Roger Kumble

Starring
Ryan Reynolds
Amy Smart
Anna Faris
Chris Klein

I am a huge fan of Ryan Reynolds, the mans just a funny bastard. In the opening scene of this film he's in a fat suit singing the All-4-one song I swear, I nearly shat myself laughing. I wish this was an over exaggeration but I literally nearly shat myself I laughed so hard. The rest of the film is just as funny.

Reynolds plays a guy who used to be a fat kid who was firmly in the friend zone with Amy Smart in high school. He unwittingly has to return home ten years after leaving over Christmas, now a well built succesful record producer in LA, and tries to get it on with Amy Smart. Unfortunately he has a prima donna dumb ass singer Anna Faris along for the ride and he has competition from Chris Klein who is also a once geek but now "super nice guy".

Filled with comedy gold.

8: HOSTILE HOSTAGES AKA THE REF

1994

Director
Ted Demme

Starring
Denis Leary
Judy Davis
Kevin Spacey

As you may have noticed this top ten is filled with comedy films. So when you have a film with Dennis Leary set during Christmas you're gonna have the fucker in your top ten surely. Now I am fully aware he stole a rather large amount of his stand up from Bill Hicks but in films the guys a funny bastard.

Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis are a married couple going through a bad patch who get taken hostage by jewel thief Dennis Leary on Christmas eve. Unfortunately for him it turns out their whole family is about to arrive for a Christmas meal and they're all mental. It's another bad guy with a good heart movie filled with comedy hijinks. I do love em.

7: Home Alone

1990

Director

Chris Columbus

Starring
Macaulay Culkin
Joe Pesci
Daniel Stern

I went to see this film in Livingston cinema in 1990, I was 12. I laughed like a bastard. When I watch it now I still laugh like a bastard. When I went to Canada I spent a large amount of the journey shouting KEVIN (my friend Alex thought he'd forgotten something), apparently the other people on the flight didn't find it quite as funny as I did, I didn't care.

You all know the story, a family are going on holiday for Christmas and accidentaly leave Macaulay Culkin at home. The wet bandits are around the neighbourhood and they want the riches in Macauley Culkins house. It's Tom and Jerry with an annoying kid, and I love Tom and Jerry. I'm still amused by Joe Pesci's constant mumbling swear words. John Hughes my man, you were a genius.

6: The Nightmare Before Christmas

1993

Director

Henry Selick 

Starring

Danny Elfman 

Chris Sarandon 

Catherine O'Hara 

Paul Reubens 

Most people who have spent any time with me at all will be shocked this isn't in the top five. I love this film, it was back when Tim Burton was involved with good films, anyone else rember that. I know it's hard to imagine now as he's almost like Nicholas Cage with the hits and misses but back in the 90's, he had the midas touch.

Jack Skellington is the king of Halloween Town, but he's become restless and is searching for something more. After a long walk he appears in Christmas Town and quite frankly one of the greatest musical numbers in any film. So he decides this year the folks from Halloween town are going to do Christmas. It's amazing, you've all seen it so you know it's amazing.

5: BAD SANTA

2003

Director

Terry Zwigoff 

Starring

Billy Bob Thornton 

Lauren Graham 

John Ritter 

Bernie Mac 

This was John Ritters last film role. For this alone the film should be in anyones top five. Add to that the hot Gilmor girl, and Billy Bob Thornton, and you have yourself a masterpiece. Billy Bob Thornton plays a total bastard who robs shops on Christmas eve having been the instore Santa for the holiday season with the aid of his little friend. No, not his penis a little midget guy. He befriends a dumb kid, takes over his house and has a lot of sex with Lauren Graham. She's the hot one from the Gilmore Girls, I may have mentioned this earlier.

It being a Christmas film you would imagine it to just join the dots towards the end of the movie. It kind of does but at the same time manages to do it in a way that doesn't turn it into an unbearable schmaltzy Santa's got a grumpy face kind of movie that has you throwing up egg nog (what the fuck is that stuff anyway?) and fish shaped cheese biscuit doodas all over the living room floor while your family reel back in horror as their precious memories are stolen from them. Fuck you precious memories.

4: ELF

2003

Director

Jon Favreau 

Starring

Will Ferrell 

James Caan 

Zooey Deschanel 

Mary Steenburgen 

Will Ferrell makes great films. Jon Favreau makes great films. James Caan makes great films. Hell even Zooey Deschanel makes great films, I don't count the happening in this though as  I've drunk enough booze to forget what it's about. I mean I lost some memories that I'm sure will come back and bite me on the ass at some point but as long as I forget that piece of shit, I'm a happy man.  

You get a film with the four of them working together and you get gold, Christmas gold. I recently watched this film again and I laughed just as hard as I did the first time I saw it. I base this solely on the looks of the people watching the film with me as my laugh almost deafens them. 

Will Ferrel is a human child who is brought up by elves. He goes to New York to find his real dad who's on the naughty list, falls in love and makes everyone around him fall in love with him. Classic fucking Christmas.

3: NATIONAL LAMPOONS CHRISTMAS VACATION

1989

Director

Jeremiah S. Chechik 

Starring

Chevy Chase 

Beverly D'Angelo 

Juliette Lewis 

Johnny Galecki

Some people say Chevy Chase was only funny in the 80s. These people are morons. I have never watched a Chevy Chase film that hasn't made me snort, or deafen the person next to me. The man is a legend and Clark Griswold is one of his funniest creations. He's helped in this one with an awesome cast, Beverly D'Angelo returns as Ellen but this time he has Juliette Lewis and Johnny Galecki from the Big Bang Theory as Rudy. Out of all the Vacation films this one has by far the best ensemble cast as the family. You usually get at least one of the kids totally out of their depth. Oh and Randy Travis is actually funny in this film, how often does that happen ?

Anyway Clark invites the whole brood over for the perfect family Christmas. It being a Griswold family Christmas it's never going to go too well, cue the chaos. I can watch this film any time of the year, still to this day it is one of the funniest films around. i just wish they hadn't made so many rubbish vacation films after this one. Stop being a dick National Lampoons, if it doesn't have Clark and Ellen it's not a bloody Vacation movie.

2: SCROOGED

1988

Director

Richard Donner 

Starring

Bill Murray 

Karen Allen 

Bobcat Goldthwait 

Robert Mitchum 

Holy horse shit Batman Scrooged only made number two. Yes this could have easily been number one. It has it all. The classic story of Scrooge in it's best ever adaptation. Yeah I said best, the muppet one is a close second but ultimately I only wanted one version of A Christmas Carol in here and it was always gonna be Scrooged. 

Bill Murray made so many awesome comedy films and if I was to do a top five just on him this would always be in it. Even if it's just for the end when he breaks the fourth wall. I went to see this in the cinema and it blew me away, the audience started singing and everything. Just awesome, if I'm ever feeling down I put this film on anytime of the year and it puts a big ass smile on my face. Love it.

1: DIE HARD

1988
Director
John McTiernan

Starring

Bruce Willis 

Alan Rickman 

Paul Gleason 

Reginald VelJohnson 

This is the only film that could ever beat Scrooged to the number one slot. Mainly as it'd blow the fucker up if I tried to put it any lower. Most people don't think this is a Christmas film, these people are morons. It's Christmas with machine guns and explosions. What more could a guy want, there's even time for a boob shot.

John McClane travels to meet up with his family over Christmas, meeting her at her office Christmas party. Terrorists attempt to seize the building and it's up to him to stop it. Just typing that is making me salivate and want to put the dvd on. I've already watched it twice so far this December and I still have to watch it on Christmas eve. Which I have now done for as long as I can remember. See the memories you lose trying to forget The Happening. I wrap my presents whilst watching this film. Without this film there is no Christmas as far as I'm concerned. 

Hope you enjoyed the list of my favourite Christmas films. If there's a couple you haven't seen before check them out over the holiday period and you won't be disappointed. If you haven't seen Die Hard though just shoot yourself in the fucking head cause unless your 5, you have no fucking excuse.

Stay safe over the holidays, I'll be back in the next couple of weeks with another fantabulous film blog. HAve a good one ;)

City of the Dead

AKA Horror Hotel

1960

Director
John Llewellyn Moxey

Starring
Christopher Lee
Betta St. John
Patricia Jessel
Valentine Dyall

The first time I caught this film was on terrestrial TV, under the name Horror Hotel. Remember when they used to throw these films on at night? So many good films were put on, it was actually worth staying up after The Word. Lets face it, you wouldn't be watching the Hitman and her, that was shit. Now the most you'll find is She on a Thursday afternoon. I used to love sitting up to watch Son of Godzilla or Kiss of the Vampire. Now all you get is some fucking pay to play game show hosted by someone who is trying (and failing) to be a TV presenter. Cunts.

Before I go any further I feel I must warn you this is a British film set in America, so all the cast have strange American accents, but you do forget about it almost instantly. Not like when Ewan Mcgregor does it and you spend the whole film wincing. It's probably because everyone's doing it in this and they're all equally as bad as each other.  Onto the film.

The film starts during a witch hunt, the witch in question is Elizabeth Selwyn (Patricia Jessel), it's all very familiar at this point as this sort of thing has been seen in many films from this time. The main difference in this film is that the atmosphere gets you straight away. This is no half arsed attempt to burn a witch at the stake and it's pretty full on for a film of it's time.

On the stake her buddy Jethro (Valentine Dyall) asks lucifer to help her, and good ol' Satan bloody does it too. Cursing the village forever. They say it's a city but at no point during the film does it look anywhere near big enough to even be a town. The biggest thing in it is the bloody graveyard. Which is kinda handy it being a horror film and all.  It's almost like they planned it to be used in a horror film when they built it.

Jump forward in time to modern day, well 1960 modern day anyway. Christopher Lee is teaching The Black Arts to some very uninterested students. "Burn witch, burn witch, burn, burn, burn" to which one of the students replies "dig that crazy beat". If you can get past that comment then the rest of the film is awesome. Seriously though I cringe so much every time I hear it, the guy is Maitland (Tom Naylor), Nan Barlows (Venetia Stevenson) boyfriend, though I have no iidea why she's go out with him cause he's clearly an asshole that pretty much just mocks everything she's interested in for the whole film.

Anyway Christopher Lee thinks it would be a great idea if Nan would go to the village (yeah i said village) of Whitewood, the one we just saw burning Elizabeth Selwyn. Oh that crafty Professor sending his student out by herself to a creepy ass old village that has a giant graveyard and a habit of being in league with the devil. You'd almost think he had some ulterior motive. Well he does but that's later in the film. I'm just warning you now so you know I have watched this film before. Let's face it, my writing does slightly resemble a drunken man sitting next to you on a bus and talking crap to you while you try to slowly move away, calculating how long it would be until the next bus if you got off now.

Nan's brother (Richard Barlow played by Dennis Lotus) comes in and completely mocks Christopher Lee also, this girl is surrounded by people who just don't care about her interests. Sign of the times maybe but everyone around her just seems to dismiss her. No wonder she likes Christopher Lee, at least talks to her like she's allowed an opinion. Even though he's secrety planning bad things to happen to her.

Another point I have to add before I go any further is that none of the people in this film look like teenages, they all seem to be in their late twenties. I know it was different back then, you didn't have little emo children crying about how much they love twilight, but still as you can see from the picture above, the kids look a little old. It's all I'm saying. This film was also produced by Milton Subotsky (uncredited though) who also produced The Uncanny and created Amicus films. I know I should have put this in earlier but I just found out whilst trying to find information on Tom Nayors age. I mean the guy looks like he's 30 and he's playing the equivalent to a high school jock.

So Nan heads to Whitewood, again I'm not gonna go through this film scene by scene. I just wanna wet your appetite so you rush out and buy it. Redemption released it in a 2 disc dvd set which has some nice extras. Just make sure you don't buy the Lucio Fulci film City of the Living Dead. Don't get me wrong it's a great film but you may get confused why Christopher Lee doesn't appear, why it's dubbed, and why it has zombies and not witches.

 On the way she gets warned by a "gas station attendant" (cause it's all meant to be America and that)  "not many god fearing folks go there nowadays", which should set alarm bells ringing. Yet she still picks up a creepy ass guy who appears out of the fog, who just so happens to be Jethro from the start of the film. He's looking pretty good for a guy that's been around for 300 years. And he bloody disappears from the car when she gets to Whitewood. RUN AWAY WOMAN.

The Church is run down, and the hotel is next to the graveyard. But let's face it everything is next to the graveyard the place is fucking tiny. City my ass. As I mentioned earlier, the reason this film works so well and is still a hugely enjoyable film today is the atmosphere it creates. Not like the video boardgame, "ROLL THE DICE", which seemed to be hosted by Senator Palpatine but the edge of your seat kind of atmosphere that grips you and takes you into the film. Like the Robert Wise classic The Haunting, or the original version of The Ring. Atmosphere is another thing that seems to be lacking in many modern day horror films, along with characters, storyline and general fear factor. The odd jump now and then doesn't count.

And who just so happens to be running the Inn Nan's staying in, it's only the bloody witch Elizabeth Selwyn. Although now she's called Mrs. Newless and isn't being burned at the stake. There's a mute girl trying to warn Nan but lets face it if she hasn't taken the hint to run the hell away by now she's never going to get it. Even a visit to the church with the mental Reverand guy warning her isn't enough. The reverand has a daughter by the way who's busy opening a book shop of all things, (Patricia Russell played by Betta St. John) she's gonna be in the film more later so I thought I'd better let you know about her. Don't wanna jump that one on you and catch you all unaware and junk.

Turns out Nan's made it to Whitewood just in time for Candlemass Eve so the place is packed out with crazy witches and all manner of creepy evil folk who all worship Satan. Too make matters worse they're all just standing in the street staring at her as she walks about town, sorry the village. Now even when Nan get's back to her room and hears creepy ass music coming from the cellar under her room she still doesn't run away. Mrs. Newless' explanation of "it's just running water" doesn't even make her run away. WHAT THE DEVIL???


Different times I guess. Personally if I'm staying at a hotel and hear creepy ass chanting then I'm out of there faster than a teenage boy who's just heard there's a porn mag in the woods.The discovery of a bird with a pin through it doesn't even make her leave, she just tries to find Mrs. Newless. Seriously though girl RUN AWAY. To make matters worse the creepy ass chanting is back on again. Bugger.

As you may have guessed it doesn't end well for Nan. Now the film takes on a psychoesque twist. Her brother now becomes the main character as he goes looking for her. It didn't copy psycho as far as I'm aware, they both came out in the same year. They just follow similar story concepts. I'm not going to go too much futher into the plot of the film so not to spoil it for anyone even though the film came out in 1960, some of you may not have seen it. Which by the way is your own problem for clearly not watching awesome films. But hey that's why you're reading this right? So I can tell you what films to watch. Fly my pretties, fly.

What I will say is that Nans brother goes out, falls for Patricia Russell the reverands daughter and then has to rescue her from all the crazy witches and general creepy folk. That's not spoiling it surely. I hope not. But it's one of those films that you watch for atmosphere anyway. When you watch Troy you don't get shocked by the ending. Though I did work with a guy who turned round and genuinely said he never saw it coming, "a big horse n that" SERIOUSLY. He also went on about how crap Achilles death was. ACHILES FOR FUCK SAKE. Do people even go to school these days, and what the fuck are they learning there?

But this is another horror gem from the 60's, the film was shot in black and white which just adds to the general atmosphere along with the music and outstanding performances. Go out and find it. You won't be disappointed.

 You can watch it for free online here

City of the Dead

My week in films

Here's a quick wee list of the films I watched this week :D

Skyline
Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Caddyshack
Groundhog day
Bugsy Malone
Ghostbusters
Scrooged
National Lampoons Vacation
National Lampoons Christmas Vacation
National Lampoons European Vacation
The Longest Day
Monsters Inc
Demolition Man
D-Tox
Overboard
Nightwatch
The Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey
Rent
Practical Magic
Two Weeks Notice
Once upon a time in the west

I have no idea how I fit them all in... I really don't.

The Gorgon

1964

Dir
Terence Fisher

Starring
Christopher Lee
Peter Cushing


If you have read the above and don't realise this is going to be an awesome film before you get any further into the review, just stop. Stop reading right now you fucking moron. This is the team of people that brought you some of the greatest horror films of all time, not just the fifties or sixties, but of all time. So put down your copy of My Bloody Valentine 3D and pick up a copy of this to see how a horror film should be made.

Terence Fisher worked for Hammer and made some of the studios best horror films, don't believe me. Ok, prepare to have your little mind blown people. He directed, Dracula, The Curse of Frankenstein, Hound of the Baskervilles, The Mummy, The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyl, Curse of the Werewolf, The Phantom of the Opera, and Dracula: Prince of Darkness to name just a few. I mean the guy was a classic movie machine. The Gorgon is though to be one of his best, and I have to agree with that.

You can see by the picture that's he's clearly a mentalist, he's like "Hey you, cuntface. Watch my fucking movie". Who am I to disagree.

So the film opens with spooky ass music and a still of a castle, then we get the back story scrolling up to fill you with foreboding. Then a guys painting a semi naked chick. She doesn't look to chuffed but hey there's almost boob. Sixties boob, which is by far the best boob. Modern film boobs are mainly fake and would most likely be used as a floatation device if the girl was drowning but back then it was all natural boobage... Yeah I said boobage.

She's all like pregnant too apparently, but they're not married, which since the film is set in 1910 is pretty much frowned upon. It's not like now when any prepubescant get's pregnant at the drop of a hat and their punishment is getting a council flat. This was back when bad things would happen to you. Bad things for having the sex. Bugger.

So he runs off to tell the girls dad he's "not going to evade his obligations", possibly the most romantic thing I've ever heard. She runs after him, there's a full moon, she sees something, cue the scream and it's daytime. Enter one of the main men of horror, PETER CUSHING. He knows Biggles, DO YOU WANNA BE A HERO... Hell yeah.

Don't worry I'm not gonna go through this film scene by scene so you don't feel like you have to watch it. It's too good for me to ruin. I'm just setting the scene here a little bit, letting you know what's going on so it makes you want more. Oh and go out and watch Biggles if you get the chance, it's awesome. I can't stop singing the theme tune now.

In walks Doctor fuckin Who. Yeah, the amazing Patrick Troughton, who often appears in Hammer Horror films. He's a cop and he's out for revenge, no wait he's more asking for Peter Cushings help with several disapearances over the last few years. As you all know by now he's asking the right guy cause the Cushing is awesome. Oh he was also Doctor Who in the film version, so there was just two Doctor Whos on screen. GEEK OVERLOAD.

DO YOU WANNA BE A HERO, HERO, HERO... So they think the artist guy from the start may be the murderer, even though the girl has clearly turned to stone so I dunno how the hell they jumped to that conclusion, scapegoat anyone? Well the Cushings not fooled, he's been through far too many of these films to get sucked in by that crap. Oh I should probably mention at this point that the artist guy has been found dead.

So the guys Dads busy trying to be Batman, cause the Cushing doesn't want to get involved yet. DO YOU WANNA BE A HERO. D, D, D, D, DO YOU WANNA BE A HERO. Best theme song ever. But that's Biggles and I'm starting to lose my place. Yeah Batman. I should probably take a second out, before I digress so much I can't get back to my point of how awesome this film is, that the casting is outstanding. As with most Hammer Films it has a stellar cast, Barbera Shelley plays Peter Cushings assistant, Michael Goodcliffe plays Professor Heitz the artist guys dad. Things don't go well for him in the film but he's awesome in it. Christopher Lee hasn't even appeared yet. It's a giant film fucksicle.

So as I said, things don't go well for the artists dad, so he's more Condorman than Batman but hey, his death leads to a scene with Christopher Lee and his other son, the new hero of the film, Paul Heitz (Richard Pasco). Cue the music, DO YOU WANNA BE A HERO... C'mon it's a film about the first world war AND time travel.


Anyway as the professor is dying he manages to write his son a note explaining how he was dying and why. Which is a little morbid. AND THE CUSHING STILL WON'T HELP, the new guys practically begging with his face all like needed help and junk. Even Barbera Shelley is trying to help the guy. If he didn't know Biggles I'd be losing all respect for the man right now.

Now we get to hear what a gorgon is. For all you people who don't know your greek mythology very well Medusa and her two sisters were gorons. So now you know where you stand with the bad guy. When I was a kid I read a lot of greek mythology at the same time as reading bible stories so I get them confused. I keep waiting for Moses to meet the minotaur, for Jesus to hit a giant with a pebble. Just as well I don't believe in that god chap or I'd be in some trouble.

Oh bugger the young guys now in hospital, the Cushing knows whats happening but for some reason he's being a cunt and not helping anyone out. Probaby due to the fact it's a bloody mythical creature and he doesn't have Perseus with him to take the bitch out. Damn you Perseus.

Zod this movie is awesome, like if you haven't already ordered this from amazon there must be something wrong with you. I got it in a nice box set with The Two faces of Dr. Jekyll, Scream of Fear, and Curse of the Mummys Tomb.

The film is going on in the background by the way, my concentration must have been frazzled by all the crappy videos on MTV cause I am clearly all over the place. Not ranting about evil cats this time, even though they are made of evil. EVIL.

Finally an hour into the film Chrisopher Lee arrives as a main character and not just the guy passing Richard Pasco a note. Awesome.

Now I'm trying not to ruin the film for anyone, I've set it up enough to let you know that the last half hour is made of awesome and shits gonna go down. I mean Christopher Lee has arrived, and he know's his shit. He's already fully aware of his greek mythology, more than Richard Pasco and he's been here for the last 20 minutes. But I suppose he's like the Cushing, he's been in these kind of film before, he knows his shit when it comes to evil. Though he does have a tendancy to play the evil guy in these films, so really he should know what to expect more than anyone else in the film.

So not spoiling the film I am going to talk about the films only flaw, the Gorgon in the film is called Megaera. She however was not a Gorgon in greek mythology but one of the Erinyes, born of the blood of Uranus when Cronus castrated him. The Erinyes punished people who commited marital infidelity. The Gorgons were Medusa, Stheno, and Euryale, had hair made of snakes and their gaze turned people to stone. Don't say I'm not good to you. All learning and junk.

So to end this film is awesome. I've tried no to give away too much so it won't ruin it for anyone. I'm off to watch Biggles. DO YOU WANNA BE A HERO, HERO, HERO. D D D D DO YOU WANNA BE A HERO.

The Gorgon on youtube